Been separated from my husband for over 5 years and been single since through choice. Before the marriage I was largely single all through adulthood through choice too but I got to my 30s and really wanted to be a parent and so did my husband. Once kids all grown up a bit and at school we separated.
I live with my three children who are all high school age and above now. It’s like being in a college dorm at the geekiest university in the world and I love it.
I’ve watched many friends separate and pair off again with other people so quickly.
Tired of them and others asking me in a condescending voice if I’ve met anyone else yet and saying the right person will come along. Truth is I don’t need or want the added complications of another person here just because it is socially expected. I’m really happy with this set up at present. Maybe one day when kids all left home I’ll want to have company but can’t see it right now. I didn’t before so not sure why I would again? Anyway. Long post. Good to be here.
Hi I’ve been single for over 30 years now. In the past I assumed that I would meet someone but as the years went by this didn’t happen . I have not wanted to compromise just to be with someone as many of the relationships I see around me would not be for me. I do however envy those people who seem to have partnerships founded on respect, care and a level of independence from each other.
I am mostly content and happy with my life- I love the fact that on a daily basis I can do whatever I want ! I don’t need to discuss plans with anyone and can simply please myself ! I am a first time dog owner and she is a great companion.
I have followed the single supplement almost since the start and have found it truly inspiring, empowering and reassuring . Thank you Nicola and all this community . I was so pleased to hear that you had decided to have a baby and wish the 3 of you well on your journey.
Thanks so much Maggie! Glad you’re here. I am missing doing exactly as I pleased. It was liberating to live like that. That’s great you now have a dog 🥰 xx
Hello. I genuinely don't know exactly how long I've been single, which just goes to show how little it's troubling me. I could probably work it out but why bother? It'll be 7 or 8 years I'd imagine. I was married for 17 years, then in a few relationships, the longest and last being 7 years on and off. And you know, I realised that I had left every relationship worse off than I'd entered it, and I found myself looking at potential suitors and thinking, 'So what damage would you do to my life?' I feel that as a woman, if there is anyone younger or male in the room, you're supposed to care and provide, even now. It's only when I'm alone that there are no demands on me - and with an adult son with ADHD and addiction issues, and an Autistic adult son living with me: well, you know, I have enough on my hands already. I sometimes think it would be nice to have someone to help me, but then, truly, when did a man ever help me? I also have an adult daughter, who is doing fabulously. Anyway, I'm 60 now and trying to retrieve enough emotional energy from the situations created around me (always by men, curiously) to plough into realising the only ambition I ever had, which was to write and publish a great novel. I sound like I hate men, but no I don't - I'm still good friends with 4 of my exes, and love my 2 sons whatever difficulties their conditions bring. It's just that women - we always end up being diminished by the men around us. Maybe it's society, maybe it's nature, I don't know. I do know that I'm waffling now though. Laughing
Hi Nicola, I'm long time single after being married (no kids) for way too long. I also had two long term relationships, both ended. I'm glad to be single and happy to stay that way. I really don't want to take care of anyone else ever again. Thanks for The Single Supplement.
Hello! Long time reader, also long term single. It turns out I love living alone and have managed to do this by myself in London. I don't think I've ever wanted children but I admire you for finding an alternative way that seems to work for you!
Hello found your fantastic site during covid. I'm 9 yrs single after a marriage break up and a few flings after. I'm 57 childless not by choice due to ovarian cancer in my 30s. I've had a few long term partners but the pool is much smaller at this age and I'm very independent and not willing to give this up. I'm at a place where unless I'm treated as an equal not some ones surrogate mum or owned wife I'm just not interested. Yes I miss sex but at the moment I find hookups soulless. It's taken me 57yrs to feel I'm not going to be bent by Society into something the patriarchy expects me to be. Yes sometimes I'm lonely but I can also be very content. Contentment, I wish I had known of this in my 20s instead of searching for the highs of happiness in a partner and focusing more on my self. Your column is a warm hug from someone who understands how difficult this present world makes it be single. l appricte it every time I read your thoughtful considered words. (And thank you for understanding pregnancy can be triggering) Helen
Hello. I'm 12 years single, barely dated before or after. I came across your guardian article. I'm a single mother by choice to a 3 year old girl - light of my life. I parent alone, but a friend acted informally as a donor. I respect him so much - more than any man I've desired to be with - he wanted children, but is in a happy long term relationship where his partner doesn't; the three of us felt this path to be serendipity, generously helping all of us. Since having my daughter, I would for the first time say I'm single by choice too. It's made me realise all the shame and discomfort and worry around relationships was external, nothing to do with my actual needs - right now, I have no interest in dating for the time it would take from my daughter - that might change, life rolls on and surprises - but I fail to easily see it in anything but distant future if at all. I feel so full, and grateful to my luck, which has opened this path. This is the short version - there were a lot of hardships on the way. I like to read about unconventional choices with relationships and parenthood; it makes me feel supported and the joys and sorrows touch close. Thank you!
Ahh Alice thanks so much for sharing and for being here. Your comment made me well up. I’m so so happy for you. I also feel so incredibly lucky and grateful. And love what you said about the shame etc being external and not to do with your actual needs! I feel that too. Thank you again. Really glad you’re here xx
Hi Nicola, I almost forgot that I had signed up to this newsletter. It was nice to hear about your backstory. I am currently single, and have been enjoying the single mode. I could relate to what you said about how their is a discourse for content on 'how to find love' and the tone of 'desperately single'. Of course this is not true. We are more than our relationships status. We are a Single Important Person ® - a concept I founded and created back in 2012.
Hi Everyone, I have been long term single since my 30's. I am now 56. When I became single, all my friends started to get married and have children, so not only was I the only single person in my friendship group, but I lost a lot of friends which I was not expecting as their lives took on new meaning. I am fortunate that I am close to my sister who is also long term single, not by choice it has just happened, so we have been a constant source of support for one another through life. I moved around a lot as well in my late 20's to 30's living in Leicester, Derby, Nottingham and London. I have made lots of new friends a long the way. Most then also settled down. The good thing is that I became used to my single status, pleasing myself etc and others leaving my life. I have never thought of myself as single by choice but due to the lack of a soul mate. I tried dating apps and speed dating and came across lots of desperate men, liars and incompatible men and lots of fabulous women who there were no men for. I am from a Fijian asian background and work as a government lawyer. One of my friends said that she thought being "exotic" would mean lots of male interest, but my experience is the opposite. Since splitting up with a long term partner in my 30's I found that everyone around me was settling or settled down. So I stayed single due to a lack of available/compatible men. I came across this group after hearing Nicola on the radio. I am fascinated by everyone's different journey. I joined around the pandemic I think.
Married aged 21, for 32 years, then my wife died, just over 2 years ago.
Stuck between enjoying the freedom that being single brings, (want to go to the Locarno film festival for the weekend, at 2 days notice? Go!) and missing the companionship and love of my marriage...
Tried a bit of online dating, without much success - the dating pool at 56 is much smaller than at 26!
Not really sure yet what the longer term will bring.
I'm Brenna, I started following you when I was single, now I am partnered and living in Naples Italy. So happy for you on your new adventure to motherhood. I have a friend pursing single mom by choice, I am thrilled for her. What I like is being in communities that encourage people to own their desires, whether it's being single and wanting a partner, or not!
Awww thanks Brenna! Glad you said that. Its important to me because we are all different and we also may change our minds or shift perspectives over time xx
Just over 2y post my marriage breaking down. Not interested in dating atm, partly because I’m not interested in staying in London so there’s no point meeting new people beyond casual hanging out :) I like my independence too much to give it up for the wrong person again
I don't think men actually live in London anyway. I went to a speed dating thing once (like, pre-pandemic once that's how long ago it was) and none of the men actually lived in London, despite the event being in the City. So it's incredibly easy to remain single in London. I am interested in staying there though and trying to do things to remind myself why - this weekend I've been to a screening of Blitz at Picturehouse Central with a Q&A with Steve McQueen after, and a matinee of Coriolanus at the National Theatre. A quieter day today - volunteering at my local junior parkrun (I do like children for precisely half an hour a week), gardening and cleaning my flat. The only downside of living alone is having no one to palm off the less desirable jobs to.
That’s interesting. I have met plenty who do :o but yeah I love this city but I want to see the rest of the world and especially the bazillion Hakuoki collabs happening in Japan 🥹 but while I’m here I want to make the most of it like you do as I may not come back 💪🏻 I can’t say, 10y ago I never thought I’d ever leave, so we’ll see 🤷🏼♀️
Hi, straight single woman, now 44 and the lead of a planned One Parent Family. I have been single most of my life - have had relationships with men but all on my terms - never ever wanted to live with a partner or be married. I have felt this way since I was a child - I never envisioned being a bride or a partner but could always see myself as a mother. I therefore created my family through adoption and I love it all just the way it is. I am tired of being addressed as a ‘mrs’ from the age of about 30. I am often assumed as gay, divorced or the victim of domestic abuse because people can’t fit me in a box. My relationships with men have ranged from ok to great and as I say all without feeling the need to give into society’s constructed view that I need to marry any of them or live with them. I am a straight woman who has planned and enjoyed a single life. I have travelled and worked abroad, have had success in my career as well as having time as a full time mum. I’m not about to change any of that now or in the future.
Been married twice, but think I was single throughout both.
Was a bum to my first wife and our son which allowed my second marriage and our three sons to last until she found a younger more affectionate man.
No excuses just caught up in myself. Still am.
Living alone in my advanced years isn't bad and in fact probably the path I should have followed all along. I've learned to respect women, hope Ms Harris wins and have no doubt she will be one of our best Presidents.
I'm Tash and I've been single for 24 years. It's not a choice I've made consciously and I've been on a few dates along the way but I'm shy and held back by my crippling fear of rejection. Although I'm not single by choice I'm not necessarily unhappy single and I've not let it stop my becoming a parent and I became a Solo mum by choice 7 years ago.
About 4 years ago I co-founded the Solo Mum's by Choice U.K Facebook group which I run with my fellow admins, supporting those thinking about or trying to become a solo mum through donor conception of adoption, or parenting as a solo mum by choice. Soon after we stared a Solo Parents by Choice U.K. Group too Which is a fully inclusive group for all solo mothers, fathers and parents by choice.
My favoured of the role was setting up our local solo parent by choice group where we can meet and support each other in person and I've met some of my best friends and my support circle through that local group.
I realised I was ADHD about 2 years ago when I was researching my child's videoconference and have wondered since whether that has played its part in my relationship history?
I still often think I'd like to have a partner and I definitely do miss the intimacy and support of being part of a couple but I also !I've my life now.
Thank you so much for your newsletters, they make me feel seen and part of a positive uplifting community and much less alone x
Great to meet you virtually!! I’ll have to point people in the direction of your Facebook groups next time I write about the choices we have as single people who want to be parents. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story xx
Hi Nathalie here, currently single -realise I've been saying that for about 9 years now. Originally from London I moved to France to start a more creative life, wasn't expecting the single dom to last this long!.Don't get me wrong, I'm not lonely as I host retreats and ceeative residencies( Co Living for Creatives) 3 week stays ) its deeper level stuff that i miss, someone to co-create with, bounce ideas with, work through problems with and fun and intimacy, .
I think i subscribed to your substack/ newsletter because I'd heard you speak on a London Writers Salon Interview on we chatted in a breakout room.. but I'm.not 100% sure, maybe you remember? 🙂
Awww yes I remember! Lovely to have you here. What you do in France sounds amazing! Maybe I’ll get to come over sometime when the baby is older 🤔 sounds right up my street xx
Yes! If you ever want to run or join a writers retreat or attend a residency would be great to meet you in the real! https://themillfrance.com/about Lots happening 2025 - super excited!
Hello :)
Been separated from my husband for over 5 years and been single since through choice. Before the marriage I was largely single all through adulthood through choice too but I got to my 30s and really wanted to be a parent and so did my husband. Once kids all grown up a bit and at school we separated.
I live with my three children who are all high school age and above now. It’s like being in a college dorm at the geekiest university in the world and I love it.
I’ve watched many friends separate and pair off again with other people so quickly.
Tired of them and others asking me in a condescending voice if I’ve met anyone else yet and saying the right person will come along. Truth is I don’t need or want the added complications of another person here just because it is socially expected. I’m really happy with this set up at present. Maybe one day when kids all left home I’ll want to have company but can’t see it right now. I didn’t before so not sure why I would again? Anyway. Long post. Good to be here.
Hi I’ve been single for over 30 years now. In the past I assumed that I would meet someone but as the years went by this didn’t happen . I have not wanted to compromise just to be with someone as many of the relationships I see around me would not be for me. I do however envy those people who seem to have partnerships founded on respect, care and a level of independence from each other.
I am mostly content and happy with my life- I love the fact that on a daily basis I can do whatever I want ! I don’t need to discuss plans with anyone and can simply please myself ! I am a first time dog owner and she is a great companion.
I have followed the single supplement almost since the start and have found it truly inspiring, empowering and reassuring . Thank you Nicola and all this community . I was so pleased to hear that you had decided to have a baby and wish the 3 of you well on your journey.
Thanks so much Maggie! Glad you’re here. I am missing doing exactly as I pleased. It was liberating to live like that. That’s great you now have a dog 🥰 xx
Hello. I genuinely don't know exactly how long I've been single, which just goes to show how little it's troubling me. I could probably work it out but why bother? It'll be 7 or 8 years I'd imagine. I was married for 17 years, then in a few relationships, the longest and last being 7 years on and off. And you know, I realised that I had left every relationship worse off than I'd entered it, and I found myself looking at potential suitors and thinking, 'So what damage would you do to my life?' I feel that as a woman, if there is anyone younger or male in the room, you're supposed to care and provide, even now. It's only when I'm alone that there are no demands on me - and with an adult son with ADHD and addiction issues, and an Autistic adult son living with me: well, you know, I have enough on my hands already. I sometimes think it would be nice to have someone to help me, but then, truly, when did a man ever help me? I also have an adult daughter, who is doing fabulously. Anyway, I'm 60 now and trying to retrieve enough emotional energy from the situations created around me (always by men, curiously) to plough into realising the only ambition I ever had, which was to write and publish a great novel. I sound like I hate men, but no I don't - I'm still good friends with 4 of my exes, and love my 2 sons whatever difficulties their conditions bring. It's just that women - we always end up being diminished by the men around us. Maybe it's society, maybe it's nature, I don't know. I do know that I'm waffling now though. Laughing
Thanks so much for sharing!! And good luck writing the novel!! Xx
Thanks! xx
Hi Nicola, I'm long time single after being married (no kids) for way too long. I also had two long term relationships, both ended. I'm glad to be single and happy to stay that way. I really don't want to take care of anyone else ever again. Thanks for The Single Supplement.
Good for you Deborah 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Hello! Long time reader, also long term single. It turns out I love living alone and have managed to do this by myself in London. I don't think I've ever wanted children but I admire you for finding an alternative way that seems to work for you!
Hi Sarah!! Aww yay for living alone. I’m glad you have managed to do it in London 👏🏻👏🏻 xx
Hello found your fantastic site during covid. I'm 9 yrs single after a marriage break up and a few flings after. I'm 57 childless not by choice due to ovarian cancer in my 30s. I've had a few long term partners but the pool is much smaller at this age and I'm very independent and not willing to give this up. I'm at a place where unless I'm treated as an equal not some ones surrogate mum or owned wife I'm just not interested. Yes I miss sex but at the moment I find hookups soulless. It's taken me 57yrs to feel I'm not going to be bent by Society into something the patriarchy expects me to be. Yes sometimes I'm lonely but I can also be very content. Contentment, I wish I had known of this in my 20s instead of searching for the highs of happiness in a partner and focusing more on my self. Your column is a warm hug from someone who understands how difficult this present world makes it be single. l appricte it every time I read your thoughtful considered words. (And thank you for understanding pregnancy can be triggering) Helen
Thanks so much for such an interesting and lovely response! So glad you’re here and you’re no longer bending to the patriarchy 👏🏻👏🏻
Hello. I'm 12 years single, barely dated before or after. I came across your guardian article. I'm a single mother by choice to a 3 year old girl - light of my life. I parent alone, but a friend acted informally as a donor. I respect him so much - more than any man I've desired to be with - he wanted children, but is in a happy long term relationship where his partner doesn't; the three of us felt this path to be serendipity, generously helping all of us. Since having my daughter, I would for the first time say I'm single by choice too. It's made me realise all the shame and discomfort and worry around relationships was external, nothing to do with my actual needs - right now, I have no interest in dating for the time it would take from my daughter - that might change, life rolls on and surprises - but I fail to easily see it in anything but distant future if at all. I feel so full, and grateful to my luck, which has opened this path. This is the short version - there were a lot of hardships on the way. I like to read about unconventional choices with relationships and parenthood; it makes me feel supported and the joys and sorrows touch close. Thank you!
Ahh Alice thanks so much for sharing and for being here. Your comment made me well up. I’m so so happy for you. I also feel so incredibly lucky and grateful. And love what you said about the shame etc being external and not to do with your actual needs! I feel that too. Thank you again. Really glad you’re here xx
Hi Nicola, I almost forgot that I had signed up to this newsletter. It was nice to hear about your backstory. I am currently single, and have been enjoying the single mode. I could relate to what you said about how their is a discourse for content on 'how to find love' and the tone of 'desperately single'. Of course this is not true. We are more than our relationships status. We are a Single Important Person ® - a concept I founded and created back in 2012.
I love this!! Thanks for sharing xx
Hi Everyone, I have been long term single since my 30's. I am now 56. When I became single, all my friends started to get married and have children, so not only was I the only single person in my friendship group, but I lost a lot of friends which I was not expecting as their lives took on new meaning. I am fortunate that I am close to my sister who is also long term single, not by choice it has just happened, so we have been a constant source of support for one another through life. I moved around a lot as well in my late 20's to 30's living in Leicester, Derby, Nottingham and London. I have made lots of new friends a long the way. Most then also settled down. The good thing is that I became used to my single status, pleasing myself etc and others leaving my life. I have never thought of myself as single by choice but due to the lack of a soul mate. I tried dating apps and speed dating and came across lots of desperate men, liars and incompatible men and lots of fabulous women who there were no men for. I am from a Fijian asian background and work as a government lawyer. One of my friends said that she thought being "exotic" would mean lots of male interest, but my experience is the opposite. Since splitting up with a long term partner in my 30's I found that everyone around me was settling or settled down. So I stayed single due to a lack of available/compatible men. I came across this group after hearing Nicola on the radio. I am fascinated by everyone's different journey. I joined around the pandemic I think.
Thanks so much for sharing Marilyn! I too am fascinated by everyone’s different journey. Xx
Married aged 21, for 32 years, then my wife died, just over 2 years ago.
Stuck between enjoying the freedom that being single brings, (want to go to the Locarno film festival for the weekend, at 2 days notice? Go!) and missing the companionship and love of my marriage...
Tried a bit of online dating, without much success - the dating pool at 56 is much smaller than at 26!
Not really sure yet what the longer term will bring.
So sorry for your loss! Thanks so much for being here. Online dating can be brutal !! Xx
Sorry for your loss, thats a really hard one to overcome.
But....Yeh to spontaneousness!.
I'm still hopeful that can be found within a relationship !
Ciao Nicola,
I'm Brenna, I started following you when I was single, now I am partnered and living in Naples Italy. So happy for you on your new adventure to motherhood. I have a friend pursing single mom by choice, I am thrilled for her. What I like is being in communities that encourage people to own their desires, whether it's being single and wanting a partner, or not!
Awww thanks Brenna! Glad you said that. Its important to me because we are all different and we also may change our minds or shift perspectives over time xx
Just over 2y post my marriage breaking down. Not interested in dating atm, partly because I’m not interested in staying in London so there’s no point meeting new people beyond casual hanging out :) I like my independence too much to give it up for the wrong person again
Ahh good for you!! Glad to have you here xx
I don't think men actually live in London anyway. I went to a speed dating thing once (like, pre-pandemic once that's how long ago it was) and none of the men actually lived in London, despite the event being in the City. So it's incredibly easy to remain single in London. I am interested in staying there though and trying to do things to remind myself why - this weekend I've been to a screening of Blitz at Picturehouse Central with a Q&A with Steve McQueen after, and a matinee of Coriolanus at the National Theatre. A quieter day today - volunteering at my local junior parkrun (I do like children for precisely half an hour a week), gardening and cleaning my flat. The only downside of living alone is having no one to palm off the less desirable jobs to.
Haha yes that was definitely the downside when I lived alone - having no one to do the jobs I hated !! Sounds like a lovely weekend! Xx
That’s interesting. I have met plenty who do :o but yeah I love this city but I want to see the rest of the world and especially the bazillion Hakuoki collabs happening in Japan 🥹 but while I’m here I want to make the most of it like you do as I may not come back 💪🏻 I can’t say, 10y ago I never thought I’d ever leave, so we’ll see 🤷🏼♀️
Hi, straight single woman, now 44 and the lead of a planned One Parent Family. I have been single most of my life - have had relationships with men but all on my terms - never ever wanted to live with a partner or be married. I have felt this way since I was a child - I never envisioned being a bride or a partner but could always see myself as a mother. I therefore created my family through adoption and I love it all just the way it is. I am tired of being addressed as a ‘mrs’ from the age of about 30. I am often assumed as gay, divorced or the victim of domestic abuse because people can’t fit me in a box. My relationships with men have ranged from ok to great and as I say all without feeling the need to give into society’s constructed view that I need to marry any of them or live with them. I am a straight woman who has planned and enjoyed a single life. I have travelled and worked abroad, have had success in my career as well as having time as a full time mum. I’m not about to change any of that now or in the future.
Great to have you here! Thanks for sharing and love that you adopted on your own. Xx
Been married twice, but think I was single throughout both.
Was a bum to my first wife and our son which allowed my second marriage and our three sons to last until she found a younger more affectionate man.
No excuses just caught up in myself. Still am.
Living alone in my advanced years isn't bad and in fact probably the path I should have followed all along. I've learned to respect women, hope Ms Harris wins and have no doubt she will be one of our best Presidents.
Thanks Ian!! I really hope Harris wins too.
Hiya Nicola,
I'm Tash and I've been single for 24 years. It's not a choice I've made consciously and I've been on a few dates along the way but I'm shy and held back by my crippling fear of rejection. Although I'm not single by choice I'm not necessarily unhappy single and I've not let it stop my becoming a parent and I became a Solo mum by choice 7 years ago.
About 4 years ago I co-founded the Solo Mum's by Choice U.K Facebook group which I run with my fellow admins, supporting those thinking about or trying to become a solo mum through donor conception of adoption, or parenting as a solo mum by choice. Soon after we stared a Solo Parents by Choice U.K. Group too Which is a fully inclusive group for all solo mothers, fathers and parents by choice.
My favoured of the role was setting up our local solo parent by choice group where we can meet and support each other in person and I've met some of my best friends and my support circle through that local group.
I realised I was ADHD about 2 years ago when I was researching my child's videoconference and have wondered since whether that has played its part in my relationship history?
I still often think I'd like to have a partner and I definitely do miss the intimacy and support of being part of a couple but I also !I've my life now.
Thank you so much for your newsletters, they make me feel seen and part of a positive uplifting community and much less alone x
Great to meet you virtually!! I’ll have to point people in the direction of your Facebook groups next time I write about the choices we have as single people who want to be parents. Thanks for sharing a bit of your story xx
Hi Nathalie here, currently single -realise I've been saying that for about 9 years now. Originally from London I moved to France to start a more creative life, wasn't expecting the single dom to last this long!.Don't get me wrong, I'm not lonely as I host retreats and ceeative residencies( Co Living for Creatives) 3 week stays ) its deeper level stuff that i miss, someone to co-create with, bounce ideas with, work through problems with and fun and intimacy, .
I think i subscribed to your substack/ newsletter because I'd heard you speak on a London Writers Salon Interview on we chatted in a breakout room.. but I'm.not 100% sure, maybe you remember? 🙂
Awww yes I remember! Lovely to have you here. What you do in France sounds amazing! Maybe I’ll get to come over sometime when the baby is older 🤔 sounds right up my street xx
Yes! If you ever want to run or join a writers retreat or attend a residency would be great to meet you in the real! https://themillfrance.com/about Lots happening 2025 - super excited!