Why I am finally taking my own advice (+ an announcement)
Happy Sunday everyone.
I have made a decision this week which I know is going to disappoint some of you. I’ve decided to take a short break from this newsletter. The eagle eye among you have probably picked up on the fact that not all is well (and huge thanks to the couple of you who have messaged to check I’m OK.) I often give the advice ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ and so now it is time to finally take my own advice.
Paying subscribers of this newsletter won’t lose out as luckily Substack offers an option to pause subscriptions, which is great. I have been thinking for some time that I need to take a break – and I’ve been doing this non-stop for 18 months now so it’s long overdue – but I know people rely on this newsletter and I felt guilty for even thinking about it so felt I had to push on through.
Two phone conversations changed things for me. The first was a brilliant phone conversation with a writer friend. I was explaining how burned out I was feeling and how I was struggling with getting the newsletter out when she said simply: ‘Why not take a break for a month?’ And it felt like the permission I needed but I was still feeling really anxious.
Then on Friday night, I was on FaceTime with a very old friend and was explaining a totally unrelated problem when he said: “Slaws, you put so much pressure on yourself and you always have.” If we had been talking about work/my professional life, I would have thought he was stating the obvious but we had actually been talking about a friendship problem and so I was totally floored by this simple fact and also that he had noticed this about me, which shouldn’t have been a surprise given we have known each other about 15 years. I also shared the idea of a break with a couple of other newsletter writers I know who all said my readers would understand and I should go for it.
I do hope you will all forgive me because I know this is the right decision for me. My friend Tahmina told me not to over-explain my reasoning (she said women have a tendency to feel pressure to explain themselves when we don’t own explanations to anyone) so I won’t do that but what I will say is this that what I am doing is honouring my own needs – and I encourage you to think of ways you can honour your own needs this month too. It’s a nice way to think of self-care.
I’m already looking forward to coming back stronger and better than ever in April and I really think this could be a great chance for me to regroup and re-strategise and improve things which will make the experience of being subscribers better for you all as well.
In the meantime, here’s a little guide for other things to read, watch or consume while I’m away:
From the archive
“The thing is when you are single, you don’t have that partner to come home to at the end of a rough day at work. There is no-one to hold you in bed as you cry and, if you live alone as I do and there is no-one to do the cooking and pick up the slack with the household chores if something out of your control is taking all your focus. Accepting your circumstances in the moment can help if you are finding yourself wishing things were different. I have often told myself: “No-one is going to come and rescue me, I have to rescue myself.” Far from making me feel depressed, I actually feel empowered when I think this.”
How to make friends during a pandemic – and why it's still worth doing
“I think the pandemic kind of gave us permission to do that; be more forward with people we want to befriend. Fledgling friendships that would otherwise be accelerated over drinks in pubs or through sharing an experience like a yoga class together have instead moved forward by a feeling of openness about sharing how we are really feeling in DMs, voice notes and even phone calls.”
“I am known for being somebody who advocates for single positivity and yet there have been times, particularly over the last 10 months where I have struggled with being single and that’s OK. It’s normal and plenty of people in relationships go through the same ups and downs.”
Yes she's still single, but don't worry she has a career! (this is a very old newsletter and is before I had a logo but it’s one of my most well-read and well-received editions so thought some of you may enjoy a golden oldie)
“Even though I have worked really hard to get where I am, I sometimes wonder if when people say stuff like this it means people think the only thing I have in my life that is of any worth? Sometimes I’ll admit I do think this myself, of course, but I try to talk myself out of feeling that way.”
Other good newsletters
The Aram – This is a lovely newsletter by Tahmina Begum (she who gave me all the best advice this week). Her goal is for you to feel at ease when you get to the end of each newsletter.
The Tiff Weekly – In Tiffany Philippou’s newsletter, she tells stories from her life that make you think differently about stuff. One example is honouring your need to rest and why it’s OK to go back to bed for a little nap!
The Greater Conversation - Alya Mooro’s newsletter and online community centres on Middle Eastern women’s experiences but I have found a lot in it that resonates.
Cruel summer book club – I love Jillian Anthony’s writing about her life. This one was particularly comforting for These Times.
Tigers are better looking – This is a great-looking lifestyle newsletter. This weeks was devoted to daffodils. Another favourite was one with a recipe for salt and pepper roast potatoes.
Other things to read
Why England’s inhumane sex ban must now end
“The lack of attention paid to relationships, while specific guidance is given for zoos and theme parks, suggests a peculiarly British unwillingness to consider human sexuality or acknowledge the existence of those who do not live with their partners. But exist they do. And since the Covid-19 crisis began, they have been dealing with all the stress and grief of living through a pandemic, without the solace and support of human connection.”
"Being single in a pandemic is lonely, but the worst thing is not being desired"
“I, like other single women across the land, used to get my hits from other places. A fleeting look on a train held for a little bit longer than usual. A flirtatious interaction with someone (anyone) at the gym. It didn’t even have to be sexual in its intent. It could have been a colleague commenting on your new haircut, or a friend noticing the snugness of your new killer jeans, or that day you really just nailed your eyeliner flick. But what happens when you're suddenly alone for 95% of your time, and those fleeting moments of casual desire, those moments of being noticed by others, just...stop?”
Where’s the compassion for single people in lockdown?
“In not measuring myself against others, I’ve also found happiness within myself these past few months which I think is a great message for single people finding life difficult right now. Although I’ve still found this lockdown emotionally challenging, reminding myself of this has helped. An open and honest discussion about life in lockdown for those unattached will also continue to help and allow people to realise that being single doesn’t mean you have to be alone.”
Things to listen to
The Wintering Sessions – Nicola Slawson on being alone in Berlin
I’ve been a guest on another podcast! I know a lot of you have listened to me before but this one is a bit different and a few people have commented to say they feel like they know me better after listening. The funny thing about this episode is we recorded it back in October and it almost feels like a message from past me to current me because I’m going through similar challenges. It's about loneliness, suffering from depression, why I shouldn't watch Gilmore Girls, being uncool in Berlin & the impact the news can have on mental health and losing hope and optimism. But there are some laughs too! I’m still pinching myself that I was on Katherine May’s brilliant podcast. What an honour!
No sex please, we're British. Dating in a pandemic
This is a podcast by the Guardian which features a reader of this newsletter, Claire! Do give it a listen even if you aren’t interested in dating as it’s actually about a lot more than that. There are echoes with the above New Statesman article as well. I think it’s great this conversation is starting to reach mainstream audiences.
I will sign off now but before I do, here’s a tune for you to listen to. I have been playing it about once a day since January. The lyrics are so perfect for those spending lockdown alone (“Man, I'm just tired and bored with myself”) and especially if, like me, you’re also trying to write a book (“I'm dyin' for some action. I'm sick of sittin' 'round here tryin' to write this book”). Maybe I’m reading too much into it haha.
Stay safe everyone. Looking forward to writing to you again soon. If you want to keep up with me in the meantime, I can usually be found on Instagram.
Lots of love,
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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