Living in the grey
I've been thinking a lot about what the difference was between when I was feeling really low about being single and when I was really positive about being single. The reason I've been thinking about this is because of some of the conversations I have seen on the Facebook group that is attached to this newsletter. Quite a few people have expressed how low they've been feeling about being single and maybe it's just because we're still in the middle of all this pandemic. It’s obviously quite hard to be single right now because we can’t do all the things we normally would which makes our lives great. Others on the group are loving their single status and totally embracing it even during the pandemic. Obviously everyone is different but it got me thinking about what shifted for me.
I was struggling with being single a few years ago to the point where I actually felt bitter about my friends in relationships and even strangers I saw snogging in the street. I was really emotional and just felt really low and like I had totally missed the boat and was behind and was going to be single and unhappy for the rest of my life. So how did I get from that to launching a newsletter celebrating the single experience?
It didn’t happen overnight and there were some steps backward along the way (which reminds me of one of my favourite quotes (“The human mind makes progress but it’s a progress in spirals”). I guess I did have a bit of an epiphany when I essentially hit rock bottom with it. I was in the pub just before Christmas and my cousin was there, and she and her boyfriend were cuddling and snogging on the other end of the bench, and to my eternal shame, I just snapped and had a go at them for being so coupley in front of me and then stormed off. A friend followed me outside and I burst into tears, sobbing on the side of the street. It was not my finest hour. Afterwards, on top of the raging hangover, I felt really guilty about being such an asshole to my cousin. It wasn’t her fault I was feeling the way I was.
I guess the epiphany was the realisation that I didn’t want to be that bitter angry person and that I needed to do something about it. The other thing I realised was that magically getting a boyfriend wasn’t going to solve the problem because there's only one person that can make me happy and that's myself so I decided to focus on me and do some self-work. I’m so glad I did that because I was feeling really fragile at the time and throwing myself on dating apps and getting myself into all sorts of situations where I felt miserable or shit about myself was the last thing I needed in that moment.
The other thing I decided was that I needed to have more fun and find some friends that are not in long term relationships. This wasn’t because I didn’t love or need my friends any more but I needed to find some people to hang out with and have some fun with who understood me and could hang out at the drop of a hat. I ended up making friends with a bunch of male friends and it was just the tonic I needed at the time. I had so much fun with them and felt so much more like myself. When you are friends with people who are married or have kids, hanging out requires a bit more planning because they have to factor in other people but these guys were free for last minute things which weirdly was one of the things that helped me feel more at home in London (I had already been there for about 5 years at this point!!). It was so nice to have a posse I guess?
Not long later I actually had my heart broken by somebody, and it kind of had the opposite effect you might think. Instead of feeling worse about being single, it actually made me feel better! I realised that I had changed and I wasn't just going to get sucked into accepting what this guy had to offer (which was not much!) and that made me feel better because in the past I would have just accepted it and it would have been this whole long torturous thing. I made my boundaries very clear even though it meant the thing ended but it was a huge confidence boost. I also had some other flirtations after this and realised it could be fun being single. Soon after this I started the newsletter and started shouting from the rooftops about being single.
But the point I want to make is that this isn’t the end of the story. I am known for being somebody who advocates for single positivity and yet there have been times, particularly over the last 10 months where I have struggled with being single and that’s OK. It’s normal and plenty of people in relationships go through the same ups and downs. This reminds me that I was being trolled by someone in the autumn and she attacked me after my newsletter about my mental health, insinuating that I was lying when talk positively about being single. Firstly, my mental health is a separate issue from how I feel about being single. It's an illness I manage. And secondly, in my opinion, nothing is black and white where you are either only ever happy or you only ever sad. There was no nuance in her argument and I think a lot of people think that about being single. There are people who in relationships who would rather stay in awful relationships because they can’t stand the idea of being single as if they will only ever be miserable without a partner. There are also single people who only think they can be happy on their own. I am not one of those people. In the words of Joey Potter: “For some people everything is black and white but it’s not like that for me. I live in the grey.” (yes I am binge watching Dawson’s Creek at the moment!)
Even with depression, I do actually love my life and I think there's a lot of value in my life as it is. When I look back on when I was really miserable about being single. I was just focusing on what I was missing and what was lacking. I was comparing myself so much (and this is one of the reasons I love Lucy Sheridan, who is the comparison coach). When you look on instagram, for example, you only see a certain snapshot for example on New Year's Eve, you might have seen all these couples sitting on the sofa, having a cosy night in and you might have been on your own, like I was and only thinking of what was missing. I chose, that night, not to focus on what other people were doing and only focus on myself and what I wanted to do to make myself happy. I ended up having a lovely new year and now my head is full of plans for ways to make 2021 my best year yet. I have so much I want to achieve - not just work-wise but in other ways - and so there’s no better time to be selfish and focus on what I want so I’m feeling really good about my relationship status.
Anyway, the long and short of it is there is no magic wand to help people feel happy about being single but if you are in that dark space where you're really struggling with being single, I think it’s important to accept how you feel because it’s OK to feel shit. Then focus on what you can change to help make yourself feel better in the moment. Obviously given the pandemic, making new friends and going on lots of fun nights out is not going to be possible, but there will be little things you can do e.g stop comparing yourself to others on social media, begin a gratitude list each night, plan some special nights doing all your favourite Covid-safe things, look for ways to make friends online and finally, ask for support - open up to your friends or family about how you are feeling or seek professional help.
The other thing is give yourself a massive pat on the back right now. You have survived this pandemic on your own and that's something to be really proud of and should hopefully give you a confidence boost as well. Everything is really awful here in the UK again. It's basically back to the same levels or worse than it was in April but this is what I am trying to focus on and I also keep reminding myself that this isn't going to last forever. There's a vaccine (three actually!) and we just have to get through this current really shit bit.
Stay safe!
Lots of love,
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
What caught my attention
'I’m Suffering From Friendship Fade'
This is a really good read that may resonate with some of you. Katie O’Malley writes: “Whether we like to admit it or not, the bedrock of any friendship is consistency, communication and circumstance. Friendships are like a simmering pot of buttery risotto; they require a gradual seasoning of contact, stirring and a watchful eye to avoid unwanted stickiness. Some – like those with colleagues and friendly faces in your spin class – require a bit more elbow grease. Others, like those from school and university, need nothing more than a link to a YouTube video of dancing cats to be revitalised.”
The absence of sex and touch in 2020 made me look inward
Make sure you read to the end of this personal essay by Fope Olaleye about what she has learned about herself during the pandemic. This is how she describes life before the first lockdown, which I totally relate to and think some of you will too: “Pre-covid, I was desperately drowning myself in the touch of men I desperately wanted to love and to love me back – it had become an all-consuming quest and left me entering 2020 as I had entered the years before: bitter and constantly searching for someone’s warmth to lose myself in once again.”
Netflix’s Home For Christmas is back, and we finally find out who was at the door
A lovely member of this group’s Facebook community group recommended Home For Christmas a few weeks ago and now loads of members of the group have watched it. It’s next on my list to watch (yes I am behind given it’s a Christmas film but whatever!) This Stylist article explains what it’s all about: “After being quizzed by family members about her ex-boyfriend from three years ago, and assured by them that she’ll “find someone” soon, Johanne finally cracks and tells her startled family a lie: she has a boyfriend. What follows is a six-part series about Johanne’s mission to find a boyfriend who will join her for the family’s Christmas Day meal. Sounds like another one of those ‘single woman at Christmas” stories full of clichés, right? Well, kind of – but the series cleverly (and very humorously) upends them.” (p.s Abigail recommends watching with subtitles as the dubbing is off in the English language one).
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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