The priceless feeling of accomplishing something by yourself
Or how writing a book without a partner to support me was harder than I thought...
I’ve been answering questions about my book over on Instagram and one of the questions was someone asking if I enjoyed writing it. A simple question, you might think, but the answer is a long one because there were parts that I found really hard and there were times when I wanted to give up. The enjoyment came in the moments I was able to untangle a knotty problem or when my editors or writing friends said they loved a particular chapter I worked hard on and as I’ve said before I loved doing the interviews.
Writing a book really tested me. It felt like a battle of wills between the me who wanted to do a good job and the me who wanted to hide and sack it all in when it got hard. As I’ve written about before I have ADHD – but don’t get on with the ADHD meds and so don’t take them – and having ADHD made working on such a huge project really difficult which is one of the reasons I’m so proud of myself.
The other reason relates to why we are all here. I wrote the book while living alone as a childless woman. In a way it was the ideal circumstances as I was able to concentrate and dedicate myself totally (with apologies to my friends who I neglected during the long intense writing days) but there were also downsides and it made me think a lot about whether it’s harder to pursue a creative endeavour – or do something like change careers or start your own business or take a risk of some kind – when single. It’s something I ended up exploring in one of the chapters of my book.
I recalled how a while ago I had two conversations with two friends who had written books. Both of them separately said that their husbands had financially supported them while they undertook the writing so that they didn’t have to worry about paying the bills while they completed their books. They said they didn’t think they could have done it without that support. I remember a sinking feeling. Writing a book had been one of my longest held dreams and it felt just a little more out of reach after those conversations.
Not long before I started writing my book I also heard a podcast interview with someone whose husband had paid for her to go and write in Costa Rica. The hotel – which was all-inclusive so she didn’t have to worry about feeding herself – gave her the use of a yoga studio and there she wrote a book about getting into flow (this is how I remember it anyway). I had to turn the episode off but she still lived rent free in my head for a long time afterwards. No-one was going to pay for me to go to Costa Rica on a personal writing retreat, not even myself. Would I be able to get into flow in my small cold box room in the depths of winter? (Separately I also listened to a podcast which featured a woman who said she found writing a book easy, which also lived rent free in my head).
In the end, I didn’t need a husband or a writing retreat in order to get a book deal and write a book but I confess, there were times when I wish I did. Being a freelancer who makes a living off writing meant I would be writing all day and all evening using the same parts of my brain. It would possibly have been better to get a job doing something completely different while working on it. I also found it hard to have the weight of responsibility for all my bills when all I wanted to do was concentrate on the book.
Thankfully, thanks to getting a portion of my advance, I was able to take three months off my normal paid work and in those months would sometimes spend 12-16 hours a day at my desk but there were still times when I wished I didn’t live alone. Sometimes I would be fully in the flow but need sustenance. Of course, there was no-one but me to make all the meals and cups of tea. There was also no-one there who I could bounce ideas around or complain to or get a cuddle from when the going got tough.
Of course, as I’ve mentioned, there were definitely benefits. It was pretty cool to have the space and freedom to work whenever I wanted and however I wanted. I didn’t have anyone to answer to. I didn’t have to cook for anyone else or even stick to normal mealtimes. I could blast out the same songs over and over without doing anyone’s head in. I didn’t have to worry about annoying anyone else with my complete hyper-focus. I just holed myself up with a wooly hat on and two jumpers and did battle with myself to get this book out. And now, of course, I have the satisfaction of saying I did it myself – and that is absolutely priceless. (I filmed myself unboxing my book the other day and I think my face says it all. You can watch it here.)
I wonder if any of you have ever thought about this? Have you found it easier or harder to work on a creative project or start a business or make a big change in your career? Let me know in the comments.
Have a good week,
Nicola
Pre-order my book Single here | Follow me on Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
Things to read
In the restful houses of women who live alone – this by
made me miss living alone.I Thought I Won My Divorce. Then I Realized the Standard Custody Arrangement Is Sexist – this is a few years old but I just got served this on Pocket and found it so interesting!
I Was Eating Alone When A Man Came Up And Said 4 Words That Have Haunted Me Throughout My Life - one that I think a lot of you will relate to.
"Why I'm embracing being single" – Lovely piece by the wonderful
whose book Love me I am still slowly reading (slowly because I have a baby not because it’s a hard read!) and really enjoying.Wintering by Katherine May – Nearly five years after it came out, this brilliant book by
is back on the Sunday Times bestseller list! I’m not surprised given the wintering the world is going through right now (and I’m not talking about the weather!)Costanza by Rachel Blackmore – lovers of historical fiction and feminism will enjoy this by debut author
who I’m lucky enough to know. I’m listening on Audible whenever I get chance. It’s been described as “A story of the resilience of women in the face of male power.”
Things to listen to or watch or go see
Solo Thoughts 16: Are You the Hero in Your Life's Story? | Solo – The Single Person's Guide to a Remarkable Life podcast – I have a bit about this in my book so was really interested to hear this.
The One Where I Talk To 'The Feisty Heroine', Podcaster Rachel Beck | Spinsterhood Reimagined Podcast – enjoyed this chat!
Joy – the birth of IVF on Netflix – the female protagonist is single and childless. It’s not a happy ending for her personally but definitely professionally and in terms of leaving an amazing legacy.
Why am I still single? | Musical at the Garrick Theatre in London – I haven’t been but some members of The Single Supplement Facebook group got together and went recently and enjoyed it.
About me
Nicola Slawson is passionate about telling human stories – either other people's or her own – and is a freelance journalist, writer and public speaker based in Shropshire in the UK. The Single Supplement is an award-winning newsletter on Substack, especially for single people. Her debut book Single is out in February and available to pre-order now. Follow Nicola on Instagram.
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*Disclosure: I am an affiliate for Bookshop.org and have included some links in this newsletter to my store. If you buy books linked to my site, I may earn a commission from Bookshop.org, whose fees support independent bookshops.
From another woman who wrote a book while single, childless and also full-time employed, I feel you on accomplishing things solo, and the added sense of achievement that entails! Writing a book is HARD even without ADHD and to be honest I don't think I'd have found it easier even if someone had supported me financially. For me it was easier to be working as the busier I was, the more motivated I felt. And being single at least meant I had a bit more time. I am so looking forward to reading your brilliant book! Xx
Wow, this resonates so much - I have been working on a creative project for years now, bit by bit, and have been trying to get it over the line. It's hopefully nearly finished but the reason it has taken me so long is because, as you write in the piece, I can't focus on it entirely as I have to make sure I have enough money coming in to support myself. The times when I have made significant progress are when I've dedicated solid chunks of time to it - and that's really hard to do, especially as a freelancer. Perhaps it would be different if I had a full-time job. I've also beaten myself up about how long it has taken me. I've come to realise that it is a totally, totally different experience taking a creative risk or undertaking big, meaningful work when you have a partner who can support you financially and help meet your basic needs. There are lots of creatives and writers I really admire, but I know they have long-standing partners who ensure they perhaps don't have to worry about money so much. I wish it was spoken about more often. I was actually listening to a podcast a while ago and the interviewee talked about pivoting her creative career, and said the reason she was able to do this was because of her husband. I found it really shocking to hear this, as it's so rare for people to be so upfront about it. She added that if she were single, it still would have happened, but it would have taken her so much longer to do, because she wouldn't have had that safety net. It did feel really good to hear this being talked about. It's made me think a lot about how and if I would undertake creative endeavours in the future. Can't wait to read your book!