On Forgiving Yourself (by Tahmina Begum)
Thanks so much for the lovely reaction to last week’s newsletter. I was overwhelmed with lovely messages and also questions from people who are on a similar journey to me. On Twitter someone gave me some advice, which was self-acceptance is key following a diagnosis of ADHD. This stood out for me as since my diagnosis, I keep going back over previous behaviour and feeling shame about things I have said or done. It’s been quite uncomfortable and has been a lesson in self-forgiveness.
This topic has also been on my mind as I’ve had a few questions from readers lately who have said things like: “I know I should love myself but I don’t know how to go about it” and “Someone said I should be my own best friend but I’m not sure what that really means”. These questions, and others, have really made me think and I am writing an agony aunt column on the topic of self-love, which will go out to paying subscribers this week.
Then I was reminded of a great Elizabeth Gilbert quote, which is about writing but I think can be applied to a lot of life situations. After coming across this quote again, it reminded me of a great newsletter that my pal and fellow single woman, Tahmina Begum had written before Ramadan began last month.
She has kindly agreed for me to republish it here for you. I’m so excited to have her words in this space as I love her newsletter The Aram plus she is such a force (long-time followers may remember I interviewed her on Instagram Live last summer, which those who watched really enjoyed!) You can still watch it in fact, here. I hope you enjoy Tahmina’s words as much as I did. I think self-forgiveness is a really powerful part of learning to love yourself.
Have a good week,
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
On Forgiving Yourself
I have found forgiving myself to be the key to a lot of my pain and worries. Forgiving myself has been perspective-altering and anything but self-serving. Forgiving myself may sound trite these days, with internet quotes, sometimes empty, smacking us all over the place but forgiving myself has enabled me to just be, right now.
Ramadan is such a reflective time for so many of us and though I genuinely look forward to this month, the tranquility these holy thirty days bring, it is also a time where Muslims are usually asking for forgiveness from the Most Compassionate and Merciful. This extends to forgiving their loved ones and perhaps, in the spirit of freeing oneself, forgiving those that have hurt them too.
But sometimes, in all honesty, it is really hard to forgive people for the really terrible things they have done, especially when you know on any green Earth, how wrong it was. But as a woman, who's come from a woman who's come from a woman who knows how to blame herself first before anyone else, learning how to forgive myself has always felt harder than forgiving anyone else.
Forgiving myself is not a warm place. It is definitely not comfortable. Forgiving myself makes me aware of how fragile or vulnerable I can be. It's a true reflection of the cracks within my self-esteem and frankly, it is work. Because forgiving myself is not a one-time thing. You have to forgive yourself over and over again, for it to work. It is like any real change: it feels frustratingly slow. It can make looking in the mirror confusing because you know where you should be mentally but in reality, where you are.
Forgiving yourself is not making yourself feel bad. It's not judging your past self with what you know now nor forgiving others through the kaleidoscope that is empathy but only seeing yourself only through unrealistic standards.
Forgiving yourself for so many of us is simply realising when it was easier to be kinder to strangers than to ourselves and learning in our adulthood, when to be our own friend. It sometimes looks like physically holding yourself and admiring how much your body and spirit have pulled through all the years that felt like a thick fog. A thick fog in a maze where maybe some robots were chasing you with a cleaver knife, (you get the picture).
On the surface, forgiving myself may have robbed me of some evenings, that have turned into months, crying over what I should have done then making myself guilty for giving in to the 'shoulds' of the world. But I take it and I would do it all over again because this is what forgiving myself has taught me:
How to cut myself some slack. How to cut others some slack. To understand what compassion actually means. How to recognise in someone else's eyes that they're going through a hard time and could do with a dose of tenderness, so some pouring of external affection too. How to observe how much I am going through it when I am going through it and appreciating exactly that. What my needs were and what my needs are now. How to stick to my word while being realistic about what I can offer because forgiving myself is a lesson in not wanting history to repeat itself. Therefore my actions, and the relationship I have with myself, needs to bend and alter too.
Forgiving myself is holding both myself accountable and the fact that sometimes things go tits up and there is no rhyme or reason (other than my personal belief that it's all khadr and God's supreme knowledge and all we have is how we react and go on), in both hands.
So much of the time, it has to be someone's fault something didn't go how we expected, whether it be ourselves or the person sitting across from us. We live in a world where we frame everything we do as inputs and outputs: I did this so I deserve this. Or I didn't do this so I don't deserve this.
Very rarely do we accept that it's actually out of our control what happens to us, so all we can try to do is move with grace and be grateful we can mess up because you never really learn anything without getting it wrong. That's the thing about forgiving yourself. It humbles you, makes you prostrate and ask for better.
It does not surprise me that in Ramadan ten days are dedicated to forgiveness. As a woman of faith who does believe it's important to ask for forgiveness from God from everything from moments of ingratitude to not trusting it will be okay and having enough tawakkul, I believe it's just as important to forgive yourself.
Sometimes we make the same mistake over again in order to really learn our lesson so I hope in the last ten days of Ramadan, whether you're Muslim or not, practicing or not, you move with forgiveness and be easy on yourself. You don't need to punish yourself in order to let things go.
As at the end of the day, all that stuff, makes it impossible to feel like light. And one thing I know for sure is that we all our own and someone else's light.
Tahmina Begum is a writer, editor and creative consultant. Working as a journalist for the past eight years, her work has focused on centering the lives of Muslim women and women of colour across a multitude of topics such as politics, tech, lifestyle, fashion, cultural commentary, and more. The Aram is a bi-monthly newsletter that centres women of colour and Muslim women and our relationship with ease and joy, with 'aram' in Bangla meaning 'ease' and 'comfort'. You can read her latest issue here, which is about being an ally. Tahmina has been nominated for a National Diversity Award and you can vote for her here.
What made me think
Life, Oh Life: Poorna Bell – Strength, The Ghost Of Shite PE Experiences Past And... Life Advice
This is a brand new podcast by journalist Becky Barnes, who is a friend of mine and member of the Single Supp community. In this episode she is chatting to Poorna Bell and they have an interesting conversation about social conditioning and the impact this has on girls and women and the decisions we make and things we believe are acceptable. The convo is mainly focused on strength but it does touch on the pressure to get married and have children by a certain age. Poorna, who is a public speaker, author and mental health advocate and who started lifting weights after her husband Rob died by suicide in 2015, also has great life advice.
Things you should check out
What Is the Success Sequence and Does It Live Up to Its Hype? – This is basically a deep dive into the propaganda to get married.
The Children of Single Parents Are Doing Better Than You Realized – I never had any doubt. Shout out to the single parents who read this newsletter!
I'm single, 31 - and I've quit dating apps for good – For anyone who is dating but hates dating apps!
Why Has It Taken Me So Long to Get Over My Breakup This Year? – This is about a breakup but could be applied to any situation that you are struggling particularly with during these tough times.
How To Survive A Breakup (Because You Will) – related content.
Can Non-Monogamy Ever Be Ethical? – This is an interesting article, which includes the perspective of a single woman.
I Inhabit An In-Between Place: Exhausted But Unable To Sleep, Tired But Wired – heavy relate!
Why Don't We Talk About Therapy Privilege? – I am lucky to have long-term therapy on the NHS but wanted to share this article as Clare makes a good point.
Apologies there aren’t many single positivity articles this week. I did search far and wide for new stuff! Hopefully next week will be better.
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram if you don’t already!
I loved this tweet (click to watch the video to see what Alice is referring to). Solidarity, Jade!
Words I love
“At 32, relatives went from asking, ‘How’s your love life?’” — she puts on a cheery voice then turns concerned — “to, ‘What is going on with your love life, have you sorted it out? Please say you are getting married.’ It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy, you start to feel it just because people are treating you with concern, like you’re lacking something. It’s OK to be sad about being single but don’t let it overtake your life. Telling someone they will end up alone has been found to lower their IQ.”
– Catherine Gray, author of The Unexpected Joy of Being Single
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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