Everybody's free to stop comparing themselves to everyone else
Around six or seven years ago I became mildly obsessed with following an old school friend’s life on Facebook. I watched as she got married to a very handsome man and bought a large house, which they proceeded to fill with cute animals and beautiful babies. Of course, she was also slim and beautiful. Oh, and they ran their own successful business together and they even had a goat.
At the time I had just changed careers for the third time and was living and working in a boarding school while carrying out an unpaid internship during the day. I was a 29-year-old intern and – to steal a line from Grey’s Anatomy – I was a grunt, a nobody, bottom of the journalism food change. I was also knackered, skint and in love with someone who didn’t love me back (story of my life). The contrast could not have been starker between her life and mine.
Sometimes if I was feeling particularly blue and she posted a new set of pictures, I would examine each one, almost wishing I could fall into the image and land in her cosy charmed life. Sometimes looking at the photos comforted me because who doesn’t like looking at another picture of a cute bunny lolloping around a stone-flagged kitchen with an Aga in the background? Other times they made me feel almost grief at what I would never have and occasionally I felt a little bitter. Why did she get to have such a perfect life?
I wonder if you can see where this is going yet. Fast forward to Christmas that year and I’m pretty merry (OK actually quite wasted) in the pub on Christmas eve when I bump into her. After hugs and exclamations about how long it has been, I skipped the small talk and launched straight into a gushing stream of consciousness about her perfect life. I’m mid-sentence about how cute the goat is, when she stops me in my tracks and tells me they are getting a divorce, that it was unclear what would happen to the business and they would have to sell the house. It felt like a bucket of ice had been thrown over me before my face burned scarlet.
After much apologising for putting my massive foot in it, I scarpered and came to terms with the fact my ‘hashtag couple goals’ couple was no more. Their life had of course not been perfect. I had only been shown one little slice of it. I learned not to believe everything I see on social media.
I am telling you this story because last week I was discussing how uncomfortable I had felt at the end of the year when everyone was sharing their 10-year achievements. As well as it bringing up feelings of failure for not reaching the classic milestones, I was also being triggered by comparison.
In Lucy Sheridan’s new book The Comparison Cure, which I’ve just started reading, she talks about how comparison and social-status anxiety has been part of the human experience since biblical times (and probably before that too!) but obviously with social media it’s all a lot more invasive and addictive so it’s useful to develop tools to help you reduce the habit. Letting go of milestones, building your self-worth and practising gratitude can all help.
The funny thing about comparison is that if push came to shove and you asked me to swap, I wouldn’t actually swap my life for anyone else’s. I have a great life and sometimes I just need to remind myself of that.
The other funny thing is that whenever I think about how someone seems to be doing much better than me, Baz Luhrmann’s voice pops into my head and I’m reminded that the race is long and in the end, it’s only with myself.
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
What caught my attention this week
How To Delete Your Dating Apps And End Up Anything But Lonely
I loved this article by Nancy Groves, who happens to be a friend and former colleague. I haven't deleted my dating apps but I rarely ever go on them because I’ve never got anywhere at all with them. For anyone who wants to date, you might find this inspiring and if not, it’s just a really good read!
After 12 Years Together, My Relationship Withstood Just Months Of Marriage
In the latest issue of Vogue, there is a personal essay by Kate Wills who opens up about being single after divorce. This quote stood out: “I was the bad omen at hen parties, the cautionary tale at baby showers. If you think being single at a dinner party of married couples is bad, try getting divorced – you feel like the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.” Despite that quote, it’s actually a positive piece about self-acceptance.
What Single Men Really Think About Dating In Their 30s
Here’s another article about single men. I know I’ve shared one before but I always find them fascinating. Parts of this article by the lovely Zoe Beaty pissed me off (can you guess which bits?) but I also relate to what some of them said. This is also a great quote: "Ultimately, being single is fine, being isolated is not.”
What made me rage this week
Following on from the story about Cheryl Tweedy’s decision to try for another baby via a sperm donor, Matt O’Connor, founder of Fathers 4 Justice, called her a “sperm bandit”. Who knows what that even means but suffice to say Matt can do one.
The lowdown
I wrote a feature about being single and happy over 50 for Positive News. It was actually inspired by a reader of The Single Supplement who messaged me on Instagram suggesting I do something for older women. It’s not been published online yet but the magazine is available to buy in good newsagents or you can buy a copy online.
I had lots of messages from people saying they would be up for me starting a book club so I’m going to start it next month. Please email me with any recommendations!
I’ve made it over 100 followers on both Instagram and Facebook, but my Twitter following is only on 56. Give us a follow here if you’re a Twitter user!
Don’t forget to forward this newsletter on to someone who you think might like it and give it a like as well. Every little like or share helps me reach more people and then I can really grow this community!
Heroine of the week
My heroine is Sarah Tilley, who, after her kids flew the nest and her 17-year-marriage ended, threw herself into rejuvenating her sex life. That included going to a sex party. My favourite quote from this fab Guardian article is this: “The atmosphere – I’ll never forget it. It was this hum of groans. It was fantastic … I took to it like a duck to water. Like I’d been waiting for it my whole life.”
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in London, UK. I don’t get paid to do this newsletter (maybe one day I will), but if you enjoyed it and would like to buy me a coffee, you can.
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