Dear Nicola, I'm ashamed of never having a boyfriend
An agony aunt column dedicated to single people
Dear Nicola,
I started a new job a few months ago and, somehow, I still haven’t told anyone that I’m single. It’s not that I’ve lied exactly, but I’ve just been really vague. Everyone has just assumed I go home to someone, and I don’t correct them.
The truth is, I’ve never really been in a relationship. I would love to be like you and be so open about this but the truth is, I feel ashamed of it… like there must be something wrong with me. This feeling has intensified now I’m in my early 30s. The thing I hate the most is when it feels like people feel sorry for me for living alone and being single so long.
The problem is there are some people who I now work with who I can see myself being good friends with. I’d love to start being honest about my life with them. How do I do that without making it a big deal? How can I come out of my shell and be open or even proud of my single status like you are?
Ashamed and Hiding
Dear Ashamed and Hiding,
Thanks so much for writing in. I think a lot of people will relate to how you’re feeling so thank you for being so vulnerable and honest.
Before I go on, I just want to reassure you that this community isn’t just for those who love being single and want to stay that way forever. There are members of the community who feel how you do about being single and those that totally hate it and can’t wait to be in a relationship. Others, like me, enjoy being single but would like romantic love in the future, while others still feel totally ambivalent to their relationship status. I wanted to say that because I don’t want you or anyone to feel that your thoughts and feelings aren’t welcome in this space or that you are somehow doing being single wrong for not being open and proud and happy about it.
Shame and relatedly, the stigma single people face, is such an important thing to explore because shame is something that has a wide-ranging effect on our mental health and wellbeing. In Brene Brown’s famous TED talk on shame, she explained how research shows that shame is “highly, highly correlated” with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, and eating disorders. It's also experienced by different genders. She says: “Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations about who we're supposed to be. And it's a straight-jacket.”
Brown goes on to explain that the antidote to shame is empathy. She said: “If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. The two most powerful words when we're in struggle: me too.”
This rings so true for me. When I meet up with people who get me and who I can be totally honest with, those shameful icky feelings I can sometimes feel about not living my life like most others disappear. It genuinely makes me feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders when someone knows exactly what it’s like.
It’s important to give yourself grace, as well. It’s no wonder we, as single people, feel shame when society expects everyone to be coupled up and single people face so much stigma for not being. We are up against centuries of conditioning where marriage is seen as the ultimate goal and a true marker of success in life. Things are changing and the number of single people has steadily been on the rise but this stuff is deeply engrained. Rome wasn’t built in a day!
I have delved into shame quite a bit in previous newsletters and thought I’d take this opportunity to share some of the ones you may find interesting before I continue:
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