The first time I felt ashamed for not having a boyfriend
I usually spend quite a lot of time thinking about what the newsletter will be about during the week before settling on a couple of options and then I see what feels right on the day. I’ve had a few things in mind for today’s newsletter but just as happened before when Caroline Flack died, I am finding it difficult to concentrate on those topics. The problem is I am totally livid about the news about Dominic Cummings.
Anyway, I don’t want to get too much into politics and the news but I felt like I had to mention it because I can’t stop thinking about it. The main reason I’m angry is because I am thinking of all the really painful sacrifices people have made during this pandemic.
I am thinking of the reader of this newsletter who was unable to visit her dad before he died and could not see friends and family for comfort afterwards. I am thinking of the single mothers, who read this newsletter, who were terrified at the thought of getting ill and not being able to look after their children but who didn’t think it was OK to drive 260 miles for support. I’m thinking of all of you isolating on your own who have struggled and felt the weight of loneliness but have stuck to the rules anyway. I’m thinking of my friends who have had babies they haven’t even been able to introduce to grandparents.
Anyway I wrote way more about that than I intended to but one of my main driving forces for these newsletters is to be authentic so I hope those not interested will forgive me. What I really wanted to talk about today was sparked by something I read in the boob club book club book (what a mouthful!) Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo. One of the characters talks about not having a boyfriend as a teenager and panicking about what that means for the future.
The part that really got me early in the book was this: “Yazz sometimes has sleepless nights worrying she’ll be alone for the whole of her life. If she can’t get a proper boyfriend at nineteen what hope is there for when she’d older?”
These sentences really hit me because that’s exactly how I felt as a teenager, although admittedly when I was younger than Yazz. Compared to a lot of my school mates, I was a bit of a late bloomer on the romance front. I had my first snog at 15 whereas my friends had done it years before. I didn’t get my first boyfriend until I was 16. It seems young now but when you’re 16 and all your mates are onto their second or third boyfriends, it felt like an eternity. I wondered over and over what was wrong with me.
This also got me thinking about the first time I was shamed for not having a boyfriend. I remember it very well. I was 11-years-old and the friends I had at the time wouldn’t let me come into town with them because I didn’t have a boyfriend and they all did (and were going with them). I remember so clearly the stab of pain in my chest. My cheeks flushed red and I had to concentrate on not crying until I was in the girl’s toilet. It was the first time I felt ashamed for not having a boyfriend.
Not long after, I ditched these so-called friends after their bullying of me ramped up but it wasn’t the only time I wasn’t welcome to an event during my teen years. During this time, I remember at least one occasion where I was told an outing to the cinema was only for those in relationships (a kind of quadruple date).
If you think this kind of thing wouldn’t happen in adulthood, you’d be wrong. A few years ago I was told that a dinner party I had hoped to attend was for “couples only”. Suddenly I was 11-years-old again and my cheeks started burning and tears sprang to my eyes. I know that friends have been excluded in similar ways while others have friends who will only socialise with other couples. I think it says a lot about them and how secure they are in their relationship, to be honest.
Anyway thanks to Girl, Woman, Other, which really is as brilliant as everyone is saying, I have been thinking a lot about teenage me and thinking about what I would tell her. Because I’m living at home with my parents, I have access to my teenage diaries so I’m going to dig them out today and who knows you might be hearing more about them. If you want a teaser of the kind of embarrassing things I used to write about, here’s an article I wrote a few years ago for The Guardian. It’s about reading my teenage diary on stage, which was an experience to say the least!
Stay safe,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
What caught my attention
Dating right now raises a new set of concerns. And a new kind of dealbreaker.
I know some of you are worried about what dating will involve as lockdown eases, wherever you are in the world and I also know some of you have met people online who have encouraged you to break the rules and meet. This paragraph stuck out to me. Is this our future? “That Wilhelm has already been sick and tested positive for antibodies makes her more confident about meeting people, she said. She even changed her dating profile to note the results of her test. Some of her dates also say they have them, offering proof by way of images of reports from a doctor’s visit.”
I Chose To Spend Lockdown On My Own, And I Have No Regrets
This is a really interesting perspective as the author writes about how living alone really suits her because she feels like she can better manage some of the side effects of having an eating disorder (wanting to eat in private being one). I love this paragraph: “Not a day goes by, however, that I don’t experience this dichotomy between guilt on the one hand and a thrilling sense of independence on the other. I’m still learning how to care for and respect my own needs. Does it mean that my decision could be considered an act of self-love and self-care, or is it mere selfishness? Can it be both?”
Casual sex is out, companionship is in
This Economist article is behind a paywall but if you register, you can read five free articles a month. The article talks about the differences the pandemic has made to internet dating and hook-up culture. I found this interesting: “These shifts reveal a desire for companionship, argues Ms DeAlto. They also highlight the unease felt by some with the rush of romance pre-covid. Merav Gur, a psychologist in Manhattan, says that before the pandemic her millennial patients felt pressure to have casual sex. The more anxious shunned dating altogether. More confident millennials like Rob, the banker, threw themselves headlong into hook-up culture but it left them dissatisfied.” Side note: the standfirst, which reads “Lockdowns are forcing singletons to embrace emotional intimacy” pisses me off as if us single people were incapable of emotional intimacy before!
The lowdown
I’m excited that I will be interviewing journalist and writer Genevieve Roberts for this newsletter soon! She is the author of the book Going Solo which is about her journey to motherhood on her own. I think even those who don’t have children will be interested in her perspective. Don’t forget to subscribe if you would like to read the full interview.
I am taking a week off my Instagram Live Q&A session today as I have had a really full-on week and I feel totally drained. But if you missed watching me speak to Rachel Thompson last Sunday, then you can watch the whole thing on IGTV. It really was a brilliant chat.
Thanks to those who joined the newsletter masterclass I did with Kate Samuelson of Cheapskate London (incidentally check it out as it currently lists all the events you can attend online) and Jem Collins of JournoResources. If you would like access to the recording of the webinar, which is all about starting your own newsletter, do email me and I will ask Jem to send it to you. The suggested donation is £4.
I also did a masterclass on networking. It was aimed at young journalists but I actually think my tips are useful for whatever industry you work in especially others like journalism where networking is so crucial. Here’s a blog I wrote on the subject and here’s the masterclass on YouTube, which you can watch for free.
The boob club
I have chosen Jog On by Bella Mackie for the next boob club book club. Bella writes about how she found running after her husband left her and how it helped ber build up her independence again. I have it on very good authority that even those with no interest in running will enjoy it. Bella doesn’t run to improve her time or train for races, she runs mainly for her mental health and I really love that. I’ve been doing yoga for years and years but still can’t master the advanced poses. Instead, I do yoga for yoga’s sake and because it helps my wellbeing so much. Anyway hope you’ll enjoy this book!
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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