Will I ever feel like a grown up?
Around two years, I was interviewed by the American writer and podcaster Shani Silver for her podcast A Single Serving. She named the episode ‘A Grown Up Kid’ after something I said during the interview. I was thinking about this recently thanks to recently getting myself injured, having to rely on help and once again feeling like I’m not a proper grown up.
When I was in my twenties and spending my time trying out different careers and working abroad in different countries, I prided myself on being like Peter Pan. I wasn’t interested in staying in one place and at a time when people I follow on social media started posting pictures of their vacuum cleaners and friends, I was thrilled my life was anything but mundane. I wanted adventure! I wanted love affairs! I wanted new experiences! I wanted joy! I wanted to find myself in a salsa club at 3am with a bunch of people I’d only met hours before!
Unlike ‘Peter Pan syndrome’ I don’t think my yearning for fun and adventure was anything more serious than a desire to spend my twenties trying new things so I could figure out what I really want to do. Despite all the fun, I still regularly doubted what I was doing and couldn’t help but compare myself to those back home. One such incident from around 10 years ago stands out. I really felt at a crossroads because the summer job I was doing was going to come to an end and I was wondering what to do next. I had been teaching English summer camps in Italy and had a few weeks to travel around the country before I had to head back to the UK for my best friend’s wedding. I’d been out of the UK for 14 months, having just spent a year in South Korea – and I was also newly single and heartbroken.
One day I took myself off to Lake Garda and marvelled at the turquoise water. Everything seemed to be in technicolour. It almost hurt my eyes, it was so beautiful. Later as I floated around in the same water, I reflected on the fact I should probably stay in the UK and get a real job and try to behave like an adult rather than a teenager on a gap year. A friend of mine had said to me that I would never find a boyfriend if I didn’t stay in one place. Maybe she was right. Maybe this experience floating on my back in the warm lake would be the final chapter in my foreign adventures and I would do what everyone else back home was doing; knuckling down to a career, putting roots down, finding a committed relationship and starting to hit all those life milestones we’re meant to hit.
The next day, however, I was in Lake Como with two American friends I’d made a few weeks before and was leaping into the dark blue waters of that lake from a diving board. As I jumped, I thought ‘fuck that, I want to do this forever’. Aside from summers back in the UK, I stayed abroad for a total of 3.5 years and had so many more pinch me moments but when my yearning to be a journalist got too much to ignore, the adventure was over and I finally moved back to the UK and became an intern at age 29. Despite my friend’s prediction and despite settling back in one country, I did not end up immediately with a boyfriend – nor did it happen after a while. But I did make some roots.
I had brief periods abroad – a month in Morocco and three months in Berlin – but I felt more anchored. I signed up for things like a phone contract, I began sorting out my debt issues, I did an MA and landed my dream job. The feeling of not being a grown up didn’t really go away though. It was partly because I was living in less than ideal house shares (a friend of mine confessed the other day to feeling like a kid when she gets invited to dinner parties at the grown up houses that her mates live in and I so relate to that feeling). It was also partly because I didn’t drive so had to rely on lifts from my parents or friends when there was no public transport (mainly a problem up here in Shropshire). And, of course, it was in large part because of the fact I wasn’t getting engaged and married or even moving in with a partner.
Now I live in a lovely home, I buy my own furniture, I pay council tax, I grow vegetables, I’m responsible for the upkeep of the house, I have a career I’m proud of, I have friends round for dinner and I even have a vacuum cleaner I’m quite attached to (It’s a Henry for the record. Only the best!). But despite all this, the feeling of being a grown up kid lingers. I think it’s because the idea of what a grown up is and how they behave and live their lives is entrenched in my brain. Grown ups have mortgages and wedding rings and worry about nursery fees. They drive their parents to doctor’s appointments and host Christmas for their relatives. They budget and think about investments. They worry about how to spice up their sex lives and how they will afford to send their kids to university.
In reality though, I was just as much as an adult jumping into that lake in Northern Italy as I am now I live in one place and I still would be an adult if I chose to jack it all in and go backpacking round the world (even though I spent many years living abroad, I never did the classic backpacking gap year and sometimes I wish I did) or if I suddenly got married, bought a house and had a baby. The point is that the feeling that I’m not doing adulting properly isn’t really real – and it’s also one that those in relationships get. A friend of mine, who has been married for more than a decade, has several kids including two in secondary school, a mortgage and several dogs recently joked that she finally felt like an adult because of a quite trivial reason that had nothing to do with all of the above. I laughed. On paper she is far more grown up than me, but in reality she is just as likely to feel like she is just winging it at adulting. (NB, this is my favourite ever article and it’s on the topic of winging it. I know I’ve shared it before but it’s always worth a reminder!)
It’s a hard feeling to shake though when you can’t help but compare yourselves to others who seem to have their shit together. Thinking about this reminded me of an article I wrote a couple of years ago. I interviewed some older women who are single about their experiences and was inspired to hear them talk about all the travel and fun they make time for. This reminded me that no matter what our age, we don’t have to live up to the stereotypes that society forces on us. In the media those who are on their own in later life are portrayed as people we should pity. But these women hadn’t given up on life. They were empowered women making sure they didn’t let their single status or age hold them back from experiencing joy.
As 63-year-old Jax Hill-Wilson, who lives in Gloucestershire, told me: “[Being single] is an opportunity for more discovery. Post 50 you have another whole 30 years of living. It’s a new life to enjoy. I choose to see this stage as another 25 years to enjoy and experiment, rather than visualise myself being a lonely old biddy.”
Hear, hear Jax! I wonder if any of you relate to what I’ve been talking about today? Let me know.
Have a good week!
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
Things you should check out
Revolutionizing the Single Holidays, a free GW Masterclass with Jody Day, Shani Silver, Sasha Cagen, Yael Wolfe & Nicola Slawson – Sat 11th December – I’m speaking on this panel and would love to have some Single Supp subscribers in the audience. You can register here.
The People Who Refuse to Believe that Singles Are Happy – “If singles say they love their single lives, the myth insists, they are just kidding themselves.”
‘Why I chose to freeze my eggs’ – A lovely read from a pal of mine and member of this community.
What Becoming a Parent Really Does to Your Happiness – here’s one for those considering whether they do want children.
Sex and the Single Woman at 66: Ageism and Sexism be Damned – Related to the article I wrote about older single women and really important!
Like Adele, I found it hard to tell my children about our divorce, but I’m proud of the new life we’ve made – A lovely piece from Helen Thorn who I previously interviewed for The Supp.
My Dad Is Chronically Ill & It Makes Dating Complicated – “Remaining single meant I could be more present as a helpful and attentive daughter to my ailing father. Still, I failed at this role, and often.” Lots to unpick in this moving personal essay.
Stigma, mansplaining and safety worries — the (many) challenges of dating as a single parent – The writer does talk about some benefits too in this!
I’d been single for 32 years. Then he walked in – I know some of you hate these kinds of stories but I think this is a good version of the cliche (the last part of the headline makes me cringe but it’s a nice read, I promise). Make sure you read to the end!
Digital breakups are hard, so I asked my friends to unfollow my ex – I like the idea of asking your friends what they need after a breakup!
Jessie J breaks down at performance hours after opening up about miscarriage – Thinking of Jessie J who decided to have a baby on her own but has sadly miscarried. I can’t imagine how it must feel and really hope her dreams of having a baby come true. Also love her for talking about solo motherhood by choice.
Ethical gifts: 25 purposeful presents to give this Christmas – I wrote this gift guide for Positive News, which some of you may find useful!
Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram, where I spend most of my time!
Words I love
I'm so afraid, but I'm open wide
I'll be the one to catch myself this time
Tryna learn to lean into it all
Ain't it funny how the mighty fall?
Looking back, I don't regret a thing
Yeah, I took some bad turns that I am owning
I'll stand still and let the storm pass by
Keep my heart safe till the time feels right
– Adele – lyrics from ‘To Be Loved’ (a song about choosing to leave her husband for the sake of her own happiness, which you can watch her sing above).
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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I'm sure that like me there will be loads of people who would have loved to spend their 20's doing what you were doing! I had my son at 18 (unplanned) which forced me to start adulting very early. On the flipside I'm now doing what the heck I like while my friends are looking after their young families. I admire Jax for her outlook and aspire to be like that too!