"Why think of our former lives as reality and this as something else?"
Last Sunday, some of the lockdown measures were eased in England. It’s been a week since then and I still haven’t really done anything differently. I have talked with three friends about meeting up for a socially distant walk or bike ride but haven’t made any set plans. Instead, I’ve been feeling all kinds of anxious again about lockdown being over. Change always does that to me! I spoke last week about not feeling ready but I think there is more going on than that.
I don’t know about you but this whole global pandemic has helped me in some ways see what’s important and what I actually want from life, which for someone as indecisive as me has been a gift. I’ve written before about how it made me realise I want to move back to Shropshire, which I did just before lockdown. But there are other things I have been thinking about doing “when real-life resumes,” and suddenly the prospect of real life is on the horizon and there is that pressure to try and make things like buying a house a reality.
I have been mulling over this during the week because it’s possible my anxiety this week has been a lot about me realising I need to move forward with some of those plans when it actually feels safer to remain in the lockdown bubble where things are out of my hands and I have no choice but to just be. Just being can tricky in itself as while you have no choice to act on the big things in life, you still have the ability to fret over what you want never happening.
Then I listened to a short podcast episode about single life during lockdown and the host Julia Bainbridge said something which made me stop in my tracks. On The Lonely Hour, she was talking with a friend who admitted that he had started something with a girl who asked if they had a future and he hurt her feelings by saying he felt like there was no way to know how he would feel after lockdown and maybe he just feels the way he does right now because of the current chaos. Obviously the girl was feeling differently. Julia then talks about a virtual romance that has begun for her since the pandemic hit and says: “This person and I both feel like, why deny ourselves of this? Why think of our former lives as reality and this as something else? This is life, right now.”
For starters the conversation the guy had, and yes I am about to quote from the 90s film Speed yet again in this newsletter, reminds me of the scene in the movie where Sandra Bullock’s character asks Keanu Reeves’ character whether he is getting mushy on her. He says “maybe” and she replies: “I hope not, 'cause you know, relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last.” They later agree to base their relationship on sex (only to have broken up by the time Speed 2: Cruise Control came out).
More importantly, it was Julia’s words that stuck out. “Why think of our former lives as reality and this as something else? This is life, right now.” I don’t know about you but those words are like a punch in the gut for me. It reminded me of something someone said on The Single Supplement Facebook group which gave me a similar feeling: “I can’t help but think of that children’s party game musical chairs. Being locked down alone and single, the music has stopped and I don’t have a chair.”
The other thing is that real life is not actually just around the corner anyway. While measures may slowly start to be eased, we’re still a long way from returning to anything like normality and I think we’re all coming to terms with the fact that things may never be the same again, or not close to the same for a very long time. This illustration by Jo Love sums that up perfectly.
Someone on Twitter summed it up perfectly. Actually it was the person’s therapist. The tweet said: “Today in therapy we talked about how (for those of us currently healthy and taking isolation seriously) right now we live in an infinite present. No future plans, no anticipation of travel or shows or events or celebrations. It’s an endless today, never tomorrow.”
If the music stopped and you’re unhappy with something in your life; perhaps you are wishing your relationship status was different or you lived on a different continent or you had a baby, I think it helps to think about what little thing you can do today to start making a change. Whether that means thinking about giving virtual dating a go (link below to an article which explains my feelings on that!) or shooting your shot with someone you already have feelings for, or doing some research into careers abroad or reading up on becoming a parent as a single person, there is always something small we can do right now to help us move towards what we want in life.
In this situation, it’s going to hard to change things overnight. We’ve only got today but I guess that is empowering if you’re a worry-wort like me. Most things are out of my hands and there is only so much I can do about it.
Stay safe,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
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What caught my attention
I flew to Greece and began solo IVF. Then the world shut down
This is the most beautifully written piece about an absolutely extraordinary situation. I honestly really hope the author gets a book deal to write a memoir. It’s a heartbreaking read but also so fascinating. This is slightly off-topic but I have to share this paragraph because it made me properly squirm and made me wonder if it was true for my friends and I. I don’t think it is and also my life doesn’t feel little, thanks: “Some years ago, the writer India Knight published a self-help book, In Your Prime, in which she discussed the way that in adulthood our lives diverge into two camps: the have-children and the have-nots. For those caught up in the business of parenthood, she wrote, “there is no especial pleasure to be had in a single and/or childless person banging on about the minutiae of their small, unpeopled little life”.”
Dutch official advice to single people: find a sex buddy for lockdown
At least six people have sent me this article and it was also shared in the Facebook group but I’m sure a lot of you have seen it. Nevertheless, it is worthy of comment I think! My first inclination was to laugh and feel shocked that a government would suggest such a thing but then I decided it was actually great. Here’s a bit on the background of this decision: “The Dutch institute’s change of mind on the fate of singletons follows the expression of immense frustration in some quarters at the rules for single people. In an opinion piece written in the Het Parool newspaper, Linda Duits, a journalist specialising in gender issues, squarely criticised the RIVM, arguing that sex was a human right. “Proximity and physical contact are not a luxury, they are basic needs,” Duits wrote. “If we have learned anything from the Aids epidemic, it is that not having sex is not an option.”
'People Living Alone Feel Like We've Been Forgotten By The Government'
Writer Laura Antonia Jordan articulates what I know a lot of you have been feeling this week. She also explores the difference between living alone prior to lockdown and living alone now. This distinction is so important to me as someone who usually loves living alone. She says: “What lockdown has starkly demonstrated to me is that there is a fundamental difference between being alone and being lonely. Feeling an aching loneliness is not mutually exclusive from being a fiercely independent person, it’s just that we are operating outside of the parameters of all normality and that is having a topsy-turvy effect on our internal wiring. Time feels vast at the moment, and without someone else here to squabble with, cook for and chat to, the stillness can at times feel unbearable.
The lowdown
I was interviewed for this Mashable article about Zoom dating. Despite my initial enthusiasm, I now can’t be arsed. I don’t think I’m alone in this!
This afternoon at 5pm, I’m once again hosting my weekly Instagram Live. This time it is with the author of the above article Rachel Thompson. I have shared several of her articles over the last seven months and in fact shared this one on being single for 10 years in my first ever newsletter.
Our weekly hang out is on Wednesday evening this week. Come join me and other single people around the world for an informal hangout on Zoom. Sign up on Facebook or here is the direct link.
Those of you who follow me on Instagram will know that I totally screwed up yesterday’s Boob Club (book club) meeting by setting the Zoom meeting up for the wrong day. It is now rescheduled for next Saturday. Please join me if you have read or are reading Girl Woman Other so I’m not a loner hanging out by myself on Zoom again. You can sign up here or this is the direct Zoom link.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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