Why it's sometimes harder to make big life decisions alone

Although I’m not sure how much I believe in star signs, I do fit all the typical characteristics of a Libra and one of the ways is that I’m notoriously indecisive. The other day I changed my mind about five times about the route to take on one of my bike rides. In fact, it looked a lot like this if you can imagine Andrew Lincoln doing this on a bike.

My tactic to make a decision is to feel utterly paralysed and then only actually make the decision when I’m forced into making one. For example, when I wanted to leave a staff job and go freelance, I thought about it for close to a year but it took a discussion about my contract being up for renewal for me to finally make the jump. When out for dinner (remember doing that?) I will um and arr over the menu and then panic-choose something when the waiter comes, often just going for whatever someone else I was with had chosen. I often don’t make the decision about what to write these newsletters about until the moment I sit down and have to do it.

So it’s no surprise really how I made the decision to move back to Shropshire permanently. In fact, it’s actually very on-brand for a journalist who needs an urgent deadline in order to be motivated to do anything. For the benefit of those who haven’t read the article I wrote for the i newspaper about moving home, here is how I made the decision:

“Someone once said to me that they had never known someone to love their hometown as much as me, and I have quite often joked that the tourist board for Shrewsbury should pay me because of how much I go on about it. I have always seen myself settling down here and as I’ve reached my mid-thirties that desire was getting harder to ignore. Every time I came back for a visit, it was harder to leave and go back to the city.

“I began to think seriously about moving back a few years ago but I didn’t quite know how I would make it work because all the national media organisations I've worked for have been in the capital. Going freelance last year was a big step but I still kept putting off the decision. In the end it took a global pandemic for me to finally make the leap.”

What I have been thinking about, however, is whether making such a huge life decision would have been easier with a partner. Ordinarily, I would have thought it would be harder to make decisions as compromise is involved and you have to consider the other person’s point of view but this situation really highlighted to me that some decisions are just harder to make alone. 

For the past few years I have deliberated in my head, in my journal and with family and friends about whether to leave London, but a conversation with your mate is not the same as talking over options with someone who is just as invested as you are in the decision you are making. When the decision is as scary as upending your whole life, you have someone to share that burden with. 

For me, I found it quite difficult as I always imagined I would meet someone and then persuade them to settle down with me in Shropshire. And it felt all kinds of wrong to admit I wanted to settle down given my relationship status. Shouldn’t I stay in the bright lights of the big bad city sowing my wild oats or whatever? And if I did choose to “settle down” – whatever the hell that actually means – was I just admitting defeat by doing it alone?

Of course, it wasn’t just my relationship status that was a factor. My career as a journalist was also something I was worried about given London is the centre of the universe when it comes to the British media industry. There was – and still is – a real fear of becoming irrelevant. Would editors stop commissioning me if they didn’t see me at events and down the pub? One upside to lockdown is that it has been a great leveller in this respect as everyone is remote right now. There was also all my brilliant friends, my lovely flat in such a beautiful part of London and my attachment to Hampstead Heath and the Ladies Pond to consider. 

In the end, the pull back to Shropshire was too strong and I feel strongly it is the right move for me, even though I still find it scary that I alone made that decision because I literally only have myself to blame if it doesn’t work out. Anyway, I wonder if I’m alone (haha) in wondering if it would be easier to make these kinds of big decisions as a couple rather than alone? Is it something that ever crosses your mind? Let me know your thoughts. 

In case you have a big decision to make right now, I will leave you with a George O’Malley quote from Grey’s Anatomy (sorry!) that I always think about when it comes to making decisions – that actually we already know what we have decided but the feeling of indecision is just fear.

He said to Izzy in one scene: “Yes, you do [know what to do]. You're just scared to do it. This back and forth is just fear. You've already made the decision. You made it … You know exactly what you have to do.”

Stay safe, 

Nicola 

Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement

What caught my attention

Learning To Love After Heartbreak

This by author Jessica Andrews is probably one of my favourite things I’ve shared in this newsletter. It’s so beautifully written. This paragraph stood out to me and I think a lot of you will relate:  “As a teenager, the books and magazines I read and films I watched told me I should search for one special person to spend my life with, but my mother’s experiences gave me realistic expectations. I’m hungry to love and be loved. I’ve felt the deep swell of longing and the raw ache of heartbreak. But I know that I will always be fine on my own – that is a vital lesson.”

Eight Women Talk About Loneliness And Craving Touch During Lockdown

Not all these women are single, but I found myself nodding along to a lot of what they say particularly about hugging family and friends and dreaming of the first get together. Here’s a refreshing perspective from someone who is isolating on their own: “While I miss physical contact, I am so grateful that I have my own space. I’m a huge introvert in a small space and would be incredibly agitated if I had to share the space with a significant other or family member. I used to stay home most Friday nights anyway, so it’s nice not to have the FOMO of seeing other people going out while I’m home with nothing to do.”

How To Fail: Alain De Botton on embracing vulnerability in the age of Coronavirus

How many podcast recommendations featuring Alain De Botton is too many? I thought sharing this one might be overkill after sharing another one just a few weeks ago but several people have now shared it in the Facebook group and I thought those of you have missed it might want to listen.  In this episode of Elizabeth Day’s fab podcast, the philosopher tackles how to deal with grief and dismantles the idea of any hierarchy of suffering – insisting that how we feel is a fact that must be taken seriously, even if there are people worse off than us. 

99 Little Things We Cannot Wait To Do When This Is All Over

Little bonus recommendation here because this article by Rachel Moss made me smile and it might make you smile too. What little thing can’t you wait to do when all this is over? I would love to hear! 

 The lowdown

• I have set up another Zoom meeting on Tuesday at 8pm GMT. Last week’s was so lovely. It was so great to chat to other single people in three different countries. I have put the details in a Facebook event as that seems to make it easier but here is the link as well if you don’t have Facebook. 

• Join me at 5pm for an Instagram Live today (Sunday) where I introduce a special guest (hopefully). 

• I have been interviewed this week by Women’s Health and I can’t wait to read the article. I was also interviewed for Grazia magazine and it wasn’t in the last few issues I have bought so do let me know if you have spotted it. 

• This thread on using Tinder during lockdown has been making me howl: 

Emily Morris @MsEmilyMorris

Tinder in the Time of Corona: an ongoing thread.

Hero of the week

The first man I’ve ever chosen but how could I not give a nod to Captain Tom Moore, the 99-year-old war veteran who has raised a colossal amount for charity by walking laps of his garden. What a legend. This tweet made me well up.

Captain Tom Moore @captaintommoore

Wow - Piccadilly Circus today! Thanks @OceanOutdoorUK @LandsecGroup #walkwithtom #TomorrowWillBeAGoodDay

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in London, UK. I don’t get paid to do this newsletter (maybe one day I will), but if you enjoyed it and would like to buy me a coffee, you can. 

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