Why it's so powerful to know you're not alone
Since starting this newsletter nearly six months ago, I have receieved emails and messages from countless people, many of whom have said some variation of the same phrase. People have told me: “It made me feel less alone” or “it’s so good to know I’m not the only one” or “this really resonates” or “I can totally relate”. As a writer, these words are always going to be music to my ears and as a single person, they in turn make me feel less alone as well.
Over the last few weeks, the Facebook group I started for readers of this newsletter has exploded with new members. As per the group guidelines, most of them have introduced themselves to everyone else. A lot of them have really opened up about how they are really feeling about being in enforced isolation thanks to the global pandemic. I have been in awe to welcome members from all over the world. The members are in wildly different circumstances and are from really different backgrounds. They also aren’t all experiencing this situation in exactly the same way either. In some countries, they are further along the coronavirus curve and so have tighter rules while others are further behind and so have more freedom. But over and over again as they share their thoughts and feelings, the response that comes is “It’s good to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.”
Last week when I moved out of my flat and temporarily into my parent’s house, I made my friends roll their eyes when I confessed to feeling like a bit of a fraud that I had got so much attention for writing about living alone and being single during the pandemic and now was moving in with two others. Obviously, I had to make the decision that was best for me and there are a multitude of reasons why I did what I did. What I soon realised, through various conversations on Instagram, was that I was also not alone in either taking refuge with parents or choosing to move house in the middle of a pandemic. And while living alone obviously has its own challenges, so too does living with your parent’s at aged 35!
All of this made me think about why it is so comforting to know you are not the only one to feel a certain way. Even when you’re physically completely alone, it can give you a sense of camaraderie. I know for me, when I read other people in similar situations, my heart sometimes bursts at the thought because so often our brains allow us to believe there is something wrong with us for thinking or feeling a certain way.
I did a little research and found that one of the reasons this is so powerful is because it validates our experience. When our experiences are normalised, it offers affirmation and actually contributes to greater emotional freedom because when we feel recognised and accepted by another, we can more easily accept ourselves. I love the idea that by sharing our experiences of being single and/or living alone through a lockdown or being in your mid-30s and temporarily being back living with your parents whose house you cannot leave, it will help us to more easily accept our own feelings about our situations.
One thing that has occasionally cropped up over the last few weeks is there has been almost a competition for who is suffering the most. I’ve seen it in Twitter posts berating people for complaining when there are people worse off than them and I’ve noticed it in conversations people have had on Facebook where people have seem to want to get one up on another person about who has it worse. While I fully embrace the idea of being grateful and recognising your own privileges, I really believe that in this situation we find ourselves in, we really all are suffering in some way. We are all losing something or many things, and we all have a right to feel sad about those losses, even the small ones. Our feelings are valid.
If you are suffering today, please know you are not alone and also remind yourself that you won’t always feel this way. I’m reminded of a section of last week’s newsletter where Tiffany Philippou reminded us that “this time period is going to be a small blip in our whole lives”.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by all the negative news, I can highly recommend a subscription to the world’s first positive news publication, Positive News. It’s a beautiful magazine and the journalism is high quality (not just saying that as a contributor). I really think a lot of you will enjoy it.
Stay safe and take care this week,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
What caught my attention
It’s Okay to Want a Partner Right Now
The wonderful Shani Silver wrote this lovely blog on Medium that I’ve only just found for those who are normally very happy being single but suddenly find themselves wishing they had a partner. For anyone who read my Refinery29 article, you’ll know it was one of my first thoughts when I realised we were heading for lockdown.
Quarantine turned me into the ultimate single woman cliché
I loved this refreshingly positive take on being single right now from Alonement founder, Francesca Specter. Prior to all this, I loved nothing more than a good old kitchen disco as I’ve discussed before and this blog reminded me that that didn’t have to stop. Thanks for the reminder, Francesca, that being single during this time doesn’t have to be awful.
A letter to the UK from Italy: this is what we know about your future
This is the most beautiful piece of writing by author Francesca Melandri who has been in lockdown in Rome for three weeks. She writes to the UK about what to expect from lockdown. I found it comforting but also parts of it did fill me with dread and I guess that’s because a part of me hasn’t fully accepted our fate.
These women have never had a relationship. Here's how they really feel about it
This one has nothing to do with the c-word but I wanted to share as I know some readers have also always been single. This quote stood out for me: “I find self-love is very effective for coping with negative feelings. Because in the end, you're the only one you're going to spend every single second of your life with. It's not easy everyday especially when loneliness kicks in, but I won't force myself into something I'm not ready for."
The lowdown
I was thrilled to be interviewed by Tahmina Begum for this HuffPost article about dating and love during the coronavirus pandemic.
I also got a lovely mention in this blog on the Hey Saturday website. The blog also includes loads of great tips to help relieve stress.
A member of the Facebook group suggested we create a mutual toolkit to help us all through or to refer to if we are struggling. I have created a google document and would love you to add your tips and ideas for surviving lockdown.
I held the very first Single Supplement meet up on Zoom on Tuesday evening (see above). I’m hosting another one this Tuesday (31st March) at 8pm GMT. Here’s the link to join. I am also planning more at different times to accommodate people in different timezones. Watch this space.
I have been experimenting with Instagram lives and have realised they work best when there is some structure. I have planned one for today (29th March) at 4:30pm GMT with the writer Miranda Larbi and later in the week will be doing a collab with XXY magazine so do follow me for more details.
How are you getting on with the book club book Girl, Woman, Other? I haven’t been able to concentrate because of everything going on but have now read the first chapter and am already enjoying it.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in London, UK. I don’t get paid to do this newsletter (maybe one day I will), but if you enjoyed it and would like to buy me a coffee, you can.
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