Why I'm going to be carving out time to do special things on my own this winter
What a week it’s been! I don’t know about you but I’ve spent a large portion of the week on edge watching CNN and refreshing the Guardian live blog and have broken all my own rules about watching TV on my laptop in bed and scrolling on my phone until the early hours. It’s been tense to watch the US election play out even as a Brit because the choice affects us all. On Thursday, we went into another lockdown here in England (there are different rules in Wales, Scotland and NI) and we have been warned it could go on longer than the four weeks we have been told about. On top of all that, I’ve had a hectic work week and have been fighting the urge to get into bed and hide under my duvet.
As many of you know last time we were put into lockdown, I chose to go and stay with my parents and moved out of London in the process. This meant I wasn’t on my own but it did present its own challenges because I was 35 and living back under my parents’ roof trying desperately not to slip into acting like a stroppy teenager, which is something I somehow always slip into when I am staying with them (Side note: I know I’m not alone. Why is that?) Anyway, in August I started renting a lovely two-bed so now I’m facing lockdown alone. And I don’t even have a cat to keep me company as my landlord rejected my very polite request.
The prospect has been made a lot easier thanks to the fact those of us who live alone are allowed support bubbles, however. In addition, everyone is allowed to meet a friend one-on-one for some outdoor exercise (so we can meet a friend for a walk in the park). I’ve had a busy couple of workdays and saw my parents yesterday to go to a gardening centre so I have had human contact (and got to hear the great news from the US with company, which was nice). Consequently, nothing much has changed for me yet and I’ve set some intentions for how I’m going to cope and so consequently I’m feeling pretty good and in control.
In the days before lockdown, I really treated myself. I went shopping for Christmas gifts (the earliest I’ve ever done this), I took myself out for meals in the middle of the day, I did some people watching and meandering in and out of shops and I went to yoga classes in an actual studio. I was reflecting on these solo-dates and remembering how a few years ago I finally completed Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way after two failed attempts. One of the things I loved most about this self-study course in recovering creativity was that one of the requirements is to take yourself on dates. I got really into this idea and did some lovely things for myself; from going to spoken word poet gigs and book readings to making myself a picnic and finding secret parts of my beloved Hampstead Heath (a large park in London) and memorably - and very randomly - attending a Japanese fashion show in a manor house.
I would always feel so good after choosing to treat myself and do something special on my own. It felt important to carve out that time and it also felt empowering to do so much without any kind of companion as a crutch. It made me feel like a total badass and I’ve written about that feeling before when I talked about going to the cinema by myself. As I was thinking of all this, I decided I would try and carry forward the idea of solo-dates into this lockdown and was thinking of some ideas for this (and I also asked my Instagram followers and they had some lovely ideas too under the post I’ve embedded above). That’s when I realised Francesca Specter, founder of Alonement was launching a challenge to encourage her followers on social media to try carving out some special time alone.
It felt like the perfect time to interview Francesca for this newsletter, something I have been meaning to do for a while now. Francesca launched the Alonement platform – which includes a blog and podcast – around the same time as I launched this newsletter and I’ve shared a lot of her work here before and also interviewed her when I was doing regular Instagram Q&As. For those who don’t know, Alonement is all about spending time by yourself and in March, Francesca’s book Alonement: How to be alone and absolutely own it will be out, which you can pre-order here. We had a lovely chat yesterday and we talked about a lot of topics.
One of the questions I asked her was one some of you might be thinking if you are single and live alone: Why do you think it's important to carve out time to spend time alone / having solo-dates when you already are alone? Especially during a pandemic when you are missing your loved ones. I loved what Francesca had to say in response:
“The best way to see it is to imagine asking a couple who live together the same kind of question and say, ‘well, you live together, why do also you have to have quality time together? Why do you have date nights?’ I know a lot of relationships that have broken down because people haven't made quality time for each other which shows how important it is. This also goes for housemates who organise evenings with each other. If you think of it like that, then actually it’s a nonsensical question.”
“In the same way as you have to work on your relationship with other people, it’s important to work on your relationship with yourself in that way. The other really important thing is I think all of us, to some degree, thrive on having something to look forward to. Things don’t just happen. You have to make that time and you can create that excitement because half of the planning is the anticipation of something exciting or special.”
So far this week, Francesca has been for an autumnal walk by herself, lit some candles and painted her nails and learned to make a martini. A quick browse of others using the #28daysofalonement hashtag brings up these other ideas: sitting down to paint, wearing a new dress to eat lunch and treating yourself to a delivery of chocolate. By the way, these ideas also work for people who live with flatmates or children or even those in relationships too. Carving out time alone to do something nice is something we should all be doing.
Here are my ideas for nice things I can do during the next few weeks:
Do a life drawing class (yes it’s still possible from the comfort of your homes). I’m going to Brixton Life Drawing events this week. They are so well organised and a portion of the amount you pay goes to Mind, a mental health charity. (This is part of my other new mission in life which is to learn to draw, which I’m really bad at but really enjoying).
Have a pamper evening and bubble bath. This is one of my favourite pastimes but I haven’t made much time to do it recently. To make it extra special, I will do the full works - candles, essential oils, a face mask, a hair mask, peppermint tea and a podcast or audiobook on in the background.
Find somewhere on the map I haven’t been before and cycle or walk there to have a very mini micro-adventure. Bonus points for taking a snack and hot drink to enjoy when I get there.
Choose a recipe of something I love to eat but never make time to actually cook myself. Perhaps something a bit out of my usual comfort zone or one that takes a long time. I am thinking it’s time to dust off my Dishoom cookbook. I like to challenge myself and why shouldn’t I eat well just because I don’t have anyone to share my meal with?
Commit to waking up early on a clear day, wrapping up warm and making a coffee in my KeepCup and getting out to watch the sunrise. One of my absolute favourite quotes of all time is from Wild by Cheryl Strayed who writes that her mother used to always say: “There's a sunrise and sunset every day. You can choose to be there for it. You can put yourself in the way of beauty.”
Get all my old magazines out and set a timer for 10 minutes. Without over-analysing cut or rip out pages that make me feel happy or inspired. When the time is up, look through the pile and create a vision board using the best bits. Spend time cutting and sticking until perfect. (This one is one of the tasks in The Artist’s Way and I have done it before and loved doing it especially the contrast between ripping with abandon and then being more methodical. It was such a good mindful activity)
Sign up to an online class to learn something completely new or out of my comfort zone. I haven’t decided what yet so watch this space.
I would love to hear your ideas for little solo-dates you can with yourself. Email me or share on social media. And of course, you can also join in with Francesca’s challenge by sharing what you do with the hashtag. The full interview with Francesca is going out to paying subscribers of this newsletter this evening so make sure you sign up now if you want to read more about Alonement and more words of wisdom from Francesca. It was such a great chat and I think you’ll all really enjoy reading what we talked about.
Lots of love, always
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
What caught my attention
How I cope podcast: Living alone under lockdown, with Becky Barnes of Huff Post UK
I loved listening to this podcast which is an interview with my former colleague Becky Barnes. In the episode, Becky talks to us about why she experienced her worst mental health ever during 2020, and how her fun and fulfilling life as a busy single woman in London was totally transformed by Covid. Since going through the first lockdown, Becky’s discovered lots about what has helped improve her mental health; from giving up alcohol to tracking her menstrual cycle and learning how to be her own best friend. If you aren’t a fan of podcasts, you can read Becky’s guide to surviving this lockdown while living alone here. She says: “I’ve decided to go back to basics – taking each moment at a time, not looking too far ahead, and really really being my own best friend. Living by the advice that I give to everyone I care about: be kind to yourself.”
I Tried To Get Laid Before Lockdown. Here’s What Happened
Here’s another HuffPost article, which made me laugh and I think some of you will relate to. The writer went on a mission to have sex before lockdown began. She says: “Aside from this night of mild passion, 2020 has been dry. There was the mind-blowing experience I had on my birthday back in July with a former lover and, back in March, a virtual relationship that lasted for nearly two months. We had phone and video sex regularly and I very nearly fell in love, but the lack of a physical connection meant that our relationship, however meaningful, soon fizzled out. My point? Sex is important, on many levels.”
'Leaving the land of romantic fantasy': why I chose to be a single mum
This is a moving piece about one woman’s journey into going down the sperm donor route to become a mother. She writes, here, about what it was like to end a good relationship because he didn’t want to have children with her. I know some of you have experienced this: “It’s a particular kind of torture being in love with someone who holds the key to what you want for your life yet denies you entry to that future. Eventually I couldn’t take the purgatory of indecision any more, so one morning in September 2016, I rolled over in bed to face Dave. “If you can’t do this, you have to tell me now.” He didn’t speak for a long, dizzying moment. It felt like icy water was rising in my chest. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I can’t go on this journey with you.””
The lowdown
In Becky’s article, which I’m sharing again here, she gives The Single Supplement a lovely mention: “As a single woman, the newsletter that’s kept me going is Nicola Slawson’s The Single Supplement.” Yay! Thanks Becky.
It’s been a whole year since I was featured in a Guardian article, which led around 1000 of you to subscribe in 24 hours. I thought I would share the article in case you want to read it again (or for first time) as I did this in the Facebook group the other day and it brought back some nice memories for people.
If you didn’t know, I have an agony aunt column for paying subscribers of this newsletter. You can take part even if you don’t want to sign up. Just fill out this form with your burning question or problem and pop your email address in as well. After I write the column, I’ll forward it to you. Your identity will be kept totally anonymous in the version subscribers can see.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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