Where is the love when you're single?
It’s officially the season of love. Card shops and supermarkets are overflowing with red coloured cards proclaiming undying love. The florists have been pulling allnighters and the perfume shops getting extra stock in. That’s right, it’s nearly Valentine’s Day.
While I’ve always been pretty ambivalent to it, it has got me thinking about love. Specifically, if there is no romantic love in your life, where do you get it from? After all, all we need is love; love is all we need. And while there is no denying that romantic love is great, I sometimes think the other kinds of love are downplayed or dismissed as less important.
Family
For most people love from parents, siblings and other family members is the first kind of love we experience. I love how Clover Stroud describes believing her love as a mother is providing the backbone for her children’s lives and will give them superpowers. I think that’s true of the love we have in my family. When you’re single, you can end up relying on your family more than when you’re coupled up. I’ve spoken before about the time I broke my ribs. It was also the case when I was on a very low income when retraining as a journalist. For example, one night my sister came to visit and took me out for dinner. Afterwards, she insisted on taking me to a supermarket to stock up on supplies. She was particularly worried that I might run out of tampons and loo roll. That is love!
Friends
If anything, it’s our relationships with our friends that often seems to get downplayed. I often think about this when someone dies and the story is news (I am a journalist after all). It’s typical for a partner or family member to be quoted paying tribute to the deceased, but where is the best friend who they knew from childhood? Or the one who has been there for them when their family has let them down or their partner, if they have one, is an arsehole? They say friends are the family we choose and that’s the case with my best friends, but after decades of friendship, it is no longer a choice really. In the best possible way, we’re stuck with each other now. As I’m single, they are also the ones I turn to when I’m having a shitty day or when I want to share some good news.
The children in your life
Whether they are your nieces or nephews, your mini-cousins (what I like to call my cousins’ children), or your friend’s children, the little people in your life can be a great source of love if you don’t have your own. When my best mate from school had her little girl, I was completely overwhelmed by how much I loved her. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was going to like her, but it took me by surprise just how fiercely I adored her from the second she was born. I’m also not one of those people who gets fed up with baby pictures. I love when my friends send me snaps and I love that my friends want me to be part of their children’s lives. It’s so special to me.
Pets
Firstly, no I’m not a crazy cat lady, but when he was alive, I did use to call Georgi, my late great cat, the love of my life. I have loved many animals in my time, but there has been nothing like the bond I had with him. He was with me through some of the absolute worst times of my life and the memory of him dying in my arms still haunts me. Those who have never had pets often struggle to understand that kind of love (and grief) but let me tell you it is real, and pets can be a great source of companionship.
Yourself
Of course, and as I have previously talked about, there is no greater love than the one you have with yourself. When you’re single, you can really be selfish and devote yourself to making yourself happy, and that is a gift, in my opinion.
So on Valentine’s Day, instead of feeling frustrated at all the Hallmark crap and annoying captions on Instagram, I am going to remember all the love I do have in my life. Is that really cheesy of me? Probably, but I don’t care. I am a very sentimental person.
By the way, my friend Emma Winterschladen kindly said I could use the beautiful illustration above. If you’re in the market for some illustration work, check out her website. You can also follow her on Instagram.
Have a good week and don’t let all the V-day crap get you down,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
What caught my attention
AITA for putting my single best friends before my married ones all the time?
For the uninitiated, AITA stands for Am I The Asshole? It’s a Reddit thread where people ask who readers think is in the wrong in a situation. I bloody loved this one. Not because of the dilemma itself but of the way the author writes about the set-up she has with her two best friends. It sounds amazing. I suddenly have new life goals after reading this. Oh, and for the record, it’s her married pal who is the arsehole.
I was 35 and single — so I took myself on a honeymoon to the Maldives
Obviously not a lot of people are going to be able to afford to do this but still, I loved this quote from the article: “Why should I twiddle my thumbs until I get married to take a bucket-list trip? An arbitrary life event shouldn’t dictate my PTO. And if I learned anything from the breakup, it’s that you can’t wait on someone or something else to go after the things that you want. You may never get them.” (By the way, PTO stands for paid time off, what we Brits call annual leave.)
Jeremy Vine on weekend loneliness
Skip to 1:09:38 to hear Jeremy Vine discussing weekend loneliness. It’s a segment inspired by the Guardian article I shared a couple of weeks ago. Vine’s guest is Christina Patterson who wrote The Art Of Not Falling Apart who describes an incident where she feels like she was kicked out of a cafe for taking up a table by herself and how she cried when she got home. I have never been actually kicked out, but I have definitely had looks when I’ve been taking up space. They also speak to some people who phone in to the show about their own loneliness.
The lowdown
I have set a Facebook group for the readers of this newsletter because I think what is lacking is community. I hope you will join if you do have Facebook. It’s also where we can discuss the books in the book club (see below).
I was featured in Slate magazine’s French edition. I don’t speak French, but I’ll just assume it says I’m awesome? Joking, I used Google Translate, so I know roughly what it says. It does seem to use the word celibate a lot, and I can only hope that means something slightly different in France because I may be single, but I am definitely not celibate.
The lovely Amy Packham from HuffPost UK interviewed me for this article about the UK’s first so-called “self-love restaurant”. I went on a small rant about the frankly bizarre idea, which involves being forced to eat in front of a mirror.
I have also been interviewed for the Business Post, a Sunday national newspaper in Ireland. Hopefully, they will put it online, but if you are reading this from Ireland, I would LOVE it if you could send me a picture. Apparently, it’s going to be the cover story in the magazine section. Exciting!
The episode of A Single Serving podcast featuring me is out tomorrow. I will link to it next week but thought I would give a heads up to those who can’t wait. I’m feeling really nervous about it because I know I stumbled over a few words and tried to say phenomenon, a word I just cannot pronounce. Please don’t laugh.
TSS Book Club
I have finally chosen a book. I’ve decided to go with memoir for the first one because it’s a book I have been meaning to read and I have been told it is essential reading for any single woman. The book is No One Tells You This by Glynnis MacNicol. You have until the 8th March to get it and read it. Don’t forget you can order books to your local library if you don’t want to buy it.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in London, UK. I don’t get paid to do this newsletter (maybe one day I will), but if you enjoyed it and would like to buy me a coffee, you can.
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