When you're a single independent woman... but you need help

I had an accident on Thursday afternoon and ended up spending hours in A&E being pushed around in a huge clunky old wheelchair by my mum. I’m OK but have badly torn my calf muscle and am now using crutches and have to keep my leg raised a lot. For the last few days, I’ve been at my mum and dad’s house being waited on hand and foot – but it took me a while to realise I needed to accept their offers of help and I thought that’s something some of you may struggle with (and judging by the conversations in the Facebook group, I was right).

Immediately after injuring myself in a Tesco superstore, I actually hobbled out of the shop. I was running late for a train and was totally focused on that. Plus I think adrenalin was doing it’s job. When it became obvious that I would never make it, my first thought was that I’d have to get a taxi home. In my shocked and confused state, I actually tried to call for a taxi before relenting and calling my mum. I hadn’t wanted to bother her, particularly as I wasn’t even in my own hometown. I was in a town around a 20 minute drive away as I’d been covering a story for The Guardian but I think a part of me didn’t want to admit I couldn’t help myself. As soon as I heard my mum’s voice though, it was like my body then let me feel all of the pain.

Photo: Lina Trochez

The hobble back the few yards into the shop’s entrance was excruciating and by the time I reached the kiosk in the front of the store, I nearly passed out from pain. I felt sick and clammy and the staff had to run and get me a chair. They actually wanted to call an ambulance – again, something that hadn’t even occurred to me – but my parents were already on their way by then.

Despite this and the night in A&E, it took me a while to realise that it was going to be hard to look after myself at home on my own. I was still talking about not having any food in my house when my mum said didn’t I realise I would have to stay with them that night. “Oh,” I said. The next morning, my mum said she thought I should stay with them for the next few days and at first I was hesitant. I’m not a child. I shouldn’t need my mum and dad to look after me. Plus I desperately wanted to be back at my own house after being away for most of the week on a trip. I was already missing my sofa and my bed. I wanted to relax and not feel like a guest. This part of me did think that if I had a partner, I’d be able to heal in my own home rather than having to stay elsewhere, which was an irritating thought to have but also one that is true and yet another example of couple privilege. Plus those who are married have vowed to look after each other in sickness and in health so are kind of obliged so those with spouses don’t really have to actually ask for help when they need it (although of course plenty of married people would be useless, I know!)

Anyway as I watched my dad bringing me a cup of coffee that morning, I suddenly realised that I wouldn’t be able to carry a hot drink while using crutches. It seems so obvious now but it just hadn’t occurred to me. This thought – no hot drinks! – more than any other made me realise I needed to accept help. As someone who prides themselves on being independent, this was hard but after spending a few days being very well looked after, I’m so grateful that I live so close to my parents and that they are so brilliant. Plus my parents’ dog Ruby has been very generous with the cuddles.

I keep thinking ‘Imagine if this had happened when I lived abroad’ but then I remembered that when I did live abroad, there were always friends who came to my aid when I needed help, I just had to ask. And sometimes I didn’t ask and they came anyway. In fact, this time around, I’ve had numerous offers for help from friends and even strangers (who follow on social media). This experience has definitely been a lesson in remembering that lots of people care about me and there are lots of kind people in the world. It’s also been a lesson in learning to slow down and accept I need to rest, which is another thing I find particularly difficult.

I asked readers of this newsletter whether they had also experienced times when they realised they needed help or hadn’t wanted to ask for help when it was obvious they needed it. I am definitely not alone in this and here are some of the stories they told me:

When not to be stoic

I managed to break my toe getting into the shower once. Only I hadn't realised it was broken until hours later at work. I was living outside of London at the time and my colleagues offered to get me a cab to Waterloo station, but I declined and then regretted it when I finally got to the bottom of the stairs. Two other colleagues found me wincing and quietly weeping as I attempted to walk, and once kind person who I had not met before carried me on his back all the way to my train platform! It would have been a lot less painful and embarrassing if I hadn't tried to be stoic!

– Becky

It’s only human to ask for help

I fractured my ankle earlier this year and was too stubborn to admit I needed help so I kept pushing myself and now nearly 5 months on, the ankle isn't quite right and taking longer to heal - so I only wish I had asked for help at the time now and realising that it is only human to ask for help, single or not.

– Tara

Letting go of the fear of rejection

When I had Covid in 2020, it actually happened while I was already in quarantine because I had just arrived back in my home country. Rather than staying with my elderly parents, I quarantined in the house of people I had never met before. The person I thought was going to do shopping for me didn't follow through with their offer (miscommunication rather than bad intentions, I think), so I mostly had to rely on my hosts to take care of me.

Relying on the hospitality of strangers was really hard, but they took such good care of me. They not only did my shopping, they also included me in their own meal planning and sent up a basket of lovely food to my balcony every day.

But this was definitely an experience that made me reflect on my own feelings about needing help. I love my independence, but I think there can be an unhealthy self-reliance that is really just a masked version of fear of rejection ('Maybe in reality nobody likes me and they won't want to help me').

– Steffi

People like to feel needed

I spent a lot of my early single years deliberately never asking for help, only to find my friends and family wished I had asked them sooner. People like to feel needed and know that us proud singles are human after all.

– Donna

Independent or just stubborn?

I broke my finger trying to get a large flat pack wardrobe upstairs on my own without unpacking the box. I was pushing it from the bottom when it slipped and smashed my hand between it and the stairs. I still got it up there though. I even fashioned a splint out of a Muller Corner yoghurt pot and some sellotape to stop the end of my finger bending where there wasn’t a joint so I could successfully build it the same day. I think perhaps my independence could also be called stubbornness.

– Zac

One takeaway too many

In November 2020 I unfortunately contracted Covid. Like a lot of single people I tend to food shop every few days and it was typical that when I got the symptoms & had to self isolate I had no food in the house. My parents too had to isolate so rather than take people up on their kind offers to bring me stuff, I lived on Deliveroo deliveries for 3 days until my online food shop arrived! Whilst I love a takeaway - 3 days on the bounce was a lot when all I really wanted was a can of Heinz tomato soup and toast!

– Tara

Being single can make you feel vulnerable

I went to the doctors on Weds and was ordered to abandon my car and get someone to drive me to A&E with suspected pneumonia. I phoned my parents and brothers who weren’t close enough to come, then went to friends. I cried in the doc’s office not because I was scared but because I felt I had no one to take me or look after me! I was quickly reminded by lots of friends that I had options, but in that moment I felt I didn’t know where to turn. Also I pride myself on being an independent woman but there’s something about singledom / in sickness and in health when you’re vulnerable. I was upset in the moment but have had the sweetest letterbox deliveries and offers of support from neighbours and friends since.

– Rebecca

Don’t deprive someone else of feeling good

I heard once that by not allowing someone to help you you’re actually depriving them of the opportunity to do something nice which will make them feel good! As much as I hate asking for help I often think of the idea of reframing the situation.

– Claire

I hope you enjoyed today’s newsletter and it perhaps made you think about the times you could reach out for help but stop yourself. Is it that you really think no-one would help? Or are you making assumptions? Perhaps like some of the above you are just being stubborn or perhaps you’re scared of rejection? If you think that there is no-one who would want to help you, you should think about how you would react if a friend or neighbour reached out to you. I think most of us would want to do anything possible to help another in need and those who have the potential to help us are no different. Like Donna says: “People like to feel needed.”

The good news for me is that I can now put weight on the ball of my foot, which is helping me get much more speedy on my crutches (Although quite not quite at the level this guy shows in the gif above!)

Have a good week,

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

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Things you should check out

• We moved to the countryside in droves – do we now regret it? – I was interviewed for this Telegraph article and this newsletter got a little nod!

• ‘Massage breaks the pain cycle’: the return of touch – after almost two years without it – I had a massage on my birthday and it actually did make me feel quite emotional so enjoyed this article.

• I don’t have kids. Can I hang with yours? – “I tell them what they should worry about is that I will prefer their children’s company to theirs.” LOL. This is me. I love seeing my friend’s kids and getting to play.

• 50k For A Family: The Cost Of Having Kids When You’re LGBTQ+ – This is important and also goes for straight single women so we should all be paying attention to this case.

• A Wedding Ring Is Not A Diploma – Shani Silver reminding us all that single people aren’t unfinished.

• I’m A 27-Year-Old Virgin & I’m Finally Fine With It – Really interesting.

• Are You Suffering From Post-Pandemic Loneliness? – I think some of you may really relate to this. I certainly do although I am feeling better now I think.

• What I Learned From Losing All My Close Relationships During Lockdown – lots of life lessons in here.

• Unmarried & Unbothered: Black Women Who Prefer Autonomy Over Marriage – another good piece from Black Ballad.

• ‘I Live Alone, And The Thought Of Going Through Enforced Isolation Again Is Terrifying’ - I am not even letting myself think about this to be honest!

• A Movie that Shows What It Means to Love Being Single – I clearly need to watch Brave!

• Decolonising Love In A World Rigged For Black Women’s Loneliness – An interesting read.

• The single mothers and widows helping each other through dark times – Love the idea of this foodbank especially for single mothers.

• A mini Q&A with Donna Ward plus my podcast recommendations went out yesterday to paying subscribers. I’ve also started on a new agony aunt column so that will be going out later in the week too.

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram, where I spend most of my time!

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About me

nicola_slawson

A post shared by Nicola Slawson (@nicola_slawson)

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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