What a neon knitted hat taught me about making new friends
A few weeks ago, a parcel containing a very brightly coloured woolly hat landed on my doormat and it wasn’t even my birthday. I was not only very excited (who doesn’t want a neon pink hat?) but also very touched because the friend who made it for me wasn’t one I’ve known for years, she was someone I’d only actually met once.
The other week I shared a funny meme where one person asks the other if they can be friends, the other person responds saying no as they already have four. In some ways, I get that, especially in this day and age when we’re all on the go so much and are expected to respond to everyone’s Whatsapp messages immediately, but I’ve been on a bit of a winning streak with making new friends in the last few years. I’ve had some brilliant experiences with them that I wouldn’t have had if I’d closed myself off to new friends.
I also wouldn’t have got an amazing new hat courtesy of the legend that is Lindsay, who I met at the writing course and who I’ve stayed in touch with over Twitter and email. Incidentally, she is very funny and has a newsletter of her own, which is mainly about the stupid things her husband buys off eBay. As for the hat, she made it for me simply because I expressed my jealousy in a tweet about her own hat and how I wish I could have one. She replied saying she would make me one. It reminded me of how lovely people can be and how great it is to make a new friend. In her own words, “It’s nice to be nice.”
I know I keep mentioning it but the article in the Guardian on weekend loneliness has still been on my mind since I read it last month. One of the things that bothered me is the description of Meet-Up as being for “a group of lonely, desperate guys”. That hasn’t been my experience at all. As I’ve mentioned before, I did The Artist’s Way (a creativity course) a few years ago and I actually did this as part of a Meet-Up group. Every Tuesday we would meet in the Southbank Centre and discuss our creative endeavours. It actually ended up like group therapy and was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I bonded so much with the group and we are still in touch now.
Two years ago I made the decision to finally fulfil my ambition of climbing Snowden. I decided to do this with a Meet-Up group because, to be honest, I was getting fed up of waiting for friends to be available and actually make concrete plans (you know how it is!) My journey began in Ealing where I was meeting a guy who had offered me and two other women a lift. I was a bit nervous but I needn’t have been. I spent most of that car journey laughing my head off and now we meet up every few months for walks or meals out or weekends away. One of the best things about it is how different they are to my usual friends. I never would have crossed paths with them otherwise but they are each so interesting and also very funny.
I’ve written before about my closest friends and how great they are so this newsletter is definitely not about replacing them. But there is a special thrill to making friends as an adult, especially when you’re not forced to by the fact you’re working or studying with them. New friends can sometimes slot right into your life filling a gap you didn’t even know you had.
One of my favourite things is when I meet a new person and they are also single in their 30s. A few years ago I was living in Berlin and a friend suggested I meet up with her friend, who was also in Berlin, for coffee. We ended up having brunch in a ridiculous hipster place and I was thrilled to learn she was not only a freelance journalist like me, but also single. It was so refreshing, especially because at the time I was really struggling with my relationship status.
This provides a nice segue way into reminding you about the Facebook community group I started for readers of this newsletter. It’s such a lovely supportive place and who knows, maybe some of you will actually make friends? Maybe someone will even knit you a neon hat!
Have a good week,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
What caught my attention
We all know a lot of what is in this New York Times article about being happy and single but I did love this quote: “When you’re not seeking partnership, you are in a very relaxed calm inner space and generally more comfortable with who you are.” In the podcast episode, I did with Shani Silver, I explained how I enjoy that my life is stable and in a state of equilibrium when I’m single and when a man comes into my life, it really does rock the boat, which I do not like.
What to do when body image is affecting your sex life
I relate to so much of what is said in this brilliantly honest article by Rachel Thompson. She says: “My body image is my sex life's worst enemy. It is the voice in my head telling me that I need to lose weight before I go on dates. It is the seed of doubt when I notice someone looking at me in a bar. It is the thought that whirrs in my mind when I'm in bed with someone, drowning out any thoughts of pleasure.” She also references the How To Fail podcast episode with Marian Keyes that I intended to recommend so consider this a two-for-one.
From Hinge and Tinder to ghosting – millennial men, dating and gender politics
This is an interesting long read that has got everyone talking on Twitter. As I tend to avoid dating apps, a lot of what they are talking about is really alien to me. But this quote says a lot about how things aren’t changing as fast as we like to think: “The weird thing is that, as a society, we still believe that being in a relationship is the norm. It’s a race to get on Hinge when you’re newly single and in your mid-twenties. It doesn’t feel OK to be single and not be dating, because people talk about dating so much of the time.”
Leftover Women – “You’re Fooling Yourself”
In China, single women over the age of 27 are called “Sheng nu” (“leftover women”). This is a clip from a documentary about these women and shows one of the three featured in the documentary meeting a matchmaker. It makes for uncomfortable viewing and I just want to reach in and tell the single women how beautiful and awesome she is. The thing is, we might think of here in the West that we have moved on from some of these attitudes but I don’t think we really have. They still persist but just under the surface.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in London, UK. I don’t get paid to do this newsletter (maybe one day I will), but if you enjoyed it and would like to buy me a coffee, you can.
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