What a headline about Caroline Flack tells us about society

I wasn’t going to write about this. In fact, I had something else planned but the upside of leaving writing this newsletter to the last minute is being able to react to the news. Trigger warning, I mention suicide here.

Yesterday TV presenter Caroline Flack died, as I am sure you would have seen. The news completely stopped me in my tracks and I got shivers up my spine. I didn’t stop thinking of her all afternoon but what made my blood boil was a headline on the front cover of the Mail On Sunday, which said “Shock and grief for Caroline Flack, the troubled romantic who never did find true love.” 

That just says it all about what we put value on when it comes to people’s lives. Not finding true love is apparently the worst thing in the world nevermind that she was so troubled that she took her own life.

Or as journalist Bethany Dawson said much more eloquently than me in a tweet: “Regardless of your opinions on Caroline Flack, her death was a tragedy and shouldn’t be used as an opportunity to parrot the toxic and patriarchal discourse that women are nothing without love.” 

In life, Caroline regularly faced the same kind of headlines that Jennifer Anniston still gets about being “unlucky in love”. Instead of focusing on her accomplishments, the tabloids and the keyboard warriors only cared about one thing, her sordid love life. With that came an almost hunger for whatever relationship she was in at the time to fail so people could ask why she couldn’t keep a man. The implication, always, that there was something wrong with her. 

It began before Love Island, but I remember watching the show when the news had broken that her engagement had been called off. People seemed almost gleeful about the fact that she was presenting a show about finding love while going through a painful breakup. Even in death, that’s what some parts of the media are choosing to focus on. 

Whatever you think of her and of course she had her flaws, she was more than her relationship status. We all are. But when you see reductive headlines like the one above, it can feel like we are a very long way from any progress.

I was reminded of a scene I often think about in the 1994 film Speed, which was a Slawson family favourite when I was growing up (It still is, in fact, as we watched it as a family over Christmas!). At one point on the bus, which has a bomb attached to it, one of the passengers says he has a wife and kids at home. Another passenger reacts angrily, by asking something along the lines of “so because I don’t have a wife and kids, my life is less worthy than yours?”

Of course, I would never want a child to be without his or her parent but at the same time it really sums up what we value as a society and that is someone who is playing by the rules by getting married and having children. You see it in headlines when someone who is not famous dies and their death is in the news for some reason. They are labelled “mother-of-three” or a “newly-wed”. So it is also reductive to those in relationships as well by only placing value on that side of their lives when they are people in their own right.

I don’t know what the answer is but I remain hopeful that one day this will change. Maybe I’m wrong to be optimistic.

Anyway, I know this is a bit different to what I have been writing for the last couple of weeks but the whole point of this newsletter is to write what I feel and be authentic and that headline was all I could think about. It would have felt forced to write anything else.

[EDIT] I should have included this when I sent the newsletter but if you are struggling and in the UK, the Samaritans is open 24/7. You can call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org. For international readers, here’s a list of similar resources around the world.

Have a good week,

Nicola 

Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement

What caught my attention

Flirting is lovely – I live for an enveloping hug and a witty back and forth

I love Hannah Jane Parkinson’s column all about the little things in life that bring joy. I read it every week and loved this week’s about flirting. I am also a flirt. I love it and like Hannah just because I flirt doesn’t necessarily mean I want it to go anywhere. It’s just fun. So, inspired Hannah I am going to make sure I do a bit of flirting this week. 

Couple privilege is a very real thing – and it shuts out single people

Hollie Richardson has coined the term couple privilege (or maybe she didn’t coin it, but I have never heard of it before. She says: “Every day, I notice the practical things in life that are literally easier and cheaper to do when you’re in a relationship: renting a flat; doing the weekly food shop; paying those pesky bills; booking a holiday. And then there are the bigger – often unimaginable, for many – milestones in life, like buying a house, starting a family and changing your career.”

How I Learned To Love Being Alone

Francesca Specter’s biggest fear used to be having to spend time on her own but following the end of a long-term relationship, she found herself living alone for the first time. She says: “I had two choices. Either my usual response to a break-up, which was to do whatever I could to avoid being alone: ramping up my social life, signing up to dating apps, such as Hinge, and leaning more than ever on friends and family. Or, I could learn to be alone and thrive.” She chose the latter and has embraced it so much, she has even launched a blog called Alonement.

The lowdown

• The podcast episode of A Single Serving featuring me went live on Monday. I loved taking part in it and Shani Silver, the host was a really great interviewer. I’m going to talk more about the experience of opening up and being vulnerable but so far the reaction has been amazing. Thanks to everyone who messaged me to say you had listened and hello to the new readers!

• The Facebook community group I launched now has more than 150 members and I’ve been blown away by how lovely everyone is and all the great things they have been chatting about. Do join if you want to be part of a really supportive group of single people! I haven’t been able to stop smiling everytime I’ve gone on it this week.

• Finally, well done for surviving Valentine’s Day! Whether you hate it, actively avoid it or fully embrace it, don’t forget there will be loads of boxes of chocolates at reduced rates in the shops so why not treat yourself?

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in London, UK. I don’t get paid to do this newsletter (maybe one day I will), but if you enjoyed it and would like to buy me a coffee, you can. 

Did someone forward The Single Supplement to you? Subscribe here.