We're told never to walk home alone – but some of us don't have a choice
Trigger warning: women’s safety, femicide, VAWG, rape, Sarah Everard, Sabina Nessa
I have ummed and arred whether to write about this but finally decided I had to after seeing one too many infuriating comments on social media. I have been thinking of this community so much given the news about the safety of women following the deaths of Sarah Everard and Sabina Nessa here in the UK. I’m not going to write loads about it today because I find it hard to write about, and I’m sure a lot of you find it hard to read, but equally it’s important to raise and talk about as I know I’m not alone in finding it difficult. If you would like to share your thoughts, you can join the conversation in the Facebook group (kindly started by a lovely group member).
So much has been said on what should and shouldn’t be done to make women feel safer but there are aspects of both cases that get overlooked as people rush to victim-blame and share “tips” for staying safe. Although she had a boyfriend, Sarah lived alone while Sabina lived with a housemate and was apparently on her way to a first date in a pub when she was attacked. Neither woman had anyone who could escort them to their destinations and yet the narrative that still gets shared on social media is that they shouldn’t have been walking alone after dark.
The victim blaming that happens after cases like these, even if it’s subtle, is infuriating. The tips, shared by police and in news articles, are enraging. I saw a tweet from one well-meaning father, which said: “I messaged my daughter after reading Sarah’s mums impact statement saying: "This is why we worry and why you should NEVER walk home alone". This is the attitude that was echoed across social media, often by men or those from older generations. Aside from the justifiable fear that something could happen given the news, it’s also very paternalistic and has echoes of when women really did have escorts to go everywhere with them. Times have changed but the advice remains the same.
It’s not just worried fathers who are sharing this advice either. If you google safety tips for women, one of the top suggestions is this: “Never walk alone, especially at night.” Let’s break that down, whoever wrote it is actually suggesting no woman should ever walk alone even in the daytime. How ridiculous is that? Can you imagine what life would be like if we all actually followed that advice. This is the kind of mentality we are dealing with where society would rather share this advice than actually deal with the problem. But even at night, it can often be impossible either because as I said no-one is there to walk you home or you can’t get a taxi. Added to this Uber are making it increasingly difficult to book short journeys so for a lot of people walking home alone is the only option (that or stay in whenever it gets dark!) That’s before we get into the number of sexual assaults that have had happened by taxi drivers themselves.
No woman, regardless of her circumstances, should feel the need to have an escort in order to leave the house at night. We shouldn’t be happy living in a world that thinks that is the only solution. But it is particularly galling to see how women who live alone or with flatmates, as most of the women in this community do, are totally disregarded by so many in the discourse over the last week or so.
In many ways, we are more vulnerable because of our relationship status and living circumstances, which is hard to admit when we all want to feel independent and empowered. I know some of you are put off the idea of living alone because of the fear you could be attacked or targeted because you have emailed or messaged to say. It’s a real fear and I really empathise. I live alone and love it but occasionally that fear bubbles to the surface for me, especially when I’m standing on my doorstep with my back to the street opening the door at night and whenever I hear a strange noise when I’m inside my house. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve jumped up in bed after hearing something, my heart thumping in my chest. I know others who live alone who keep things like baseball bats by their bed. We shouldn’t have to feel so vulnerable in our own homes (or in the street as we go about our business or absolutely anywhere!)
Not that it would have helped either of them as it would have already been too late but there were two little details in both cases that also stood out to me; Sarah was only reported missing the day after she was actually taken when she didn’t turn up to meet her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Sabina apparently wasn’t reported missing until after her body was found as her housemate hadn’t known she had disappeared or assumed, I guess, that she was staying elsewhere that night. In other cases, the delay in being reported missing could be the difference between life and death – or justice being achieved, if it gives perpetrators more time to cover their tracks. When I lived alone in Berlin for a few months one of my biggest anxieties was that no-one would notice if I went missing or if I had an accident in my home so those details touched a nerve – and I’ve previously received messages from readers who worry about similar things, especially those who have moved to a new area or don’t live near family or close friends.
There’s also the sad fact that in reality we are more likely to be attacked by someone we know than a total stranger. Whether that’s women who are trapped in violent and abusive relationships (the most common), women attacked by those they are dating or sleeping with (the case of Grace Millane springs to mind, she was a young single woman who was murdered in New Zealand while having a one night stand – for which she was of course blamed for doing) or women who are attacked by other people in their lives such as colleagues or neighbours or family members. Since Sarah’s death in March, more than 80 other women have died at the hands of a man in the UK. I know there are countries where that figure is even higher.
Just a fraction of these stories make the news in any country. There are victims who are much less likely to garner attention and sympathy because of who they are and that includes women of colour, LGBT+ people, those with disabilities, those from low socio-economic backgrounds and other marginalised people (I know this is an issue that has also been raised in the US given the attention the Gabby Petito case garnered). But another reason is that we’re more likely to hear about scary stranger attacks because it fits in with the narrative of the big bad monster lurking in the shadows and killing for no reason – rather than a man who seems “normal” killing his wife who was nagging him, for example (yes this has actually been given as defence in a court of law!) The former is easier to deal with - they were disturbed and depraved “sickos” or “bad apples” – whereas the latter brings it home that people we know might be capable of similar violence, which we don’t want to think about.
In reality the monsters are “normal” men too – and until we as a society realise that, we aren’t going to be able to tackle the problem of violence against women and girls because the problem is so embedded that those who look respectable from the outside are just as capable of carrying out violent attacks as those who fit the monster image we have in our heads. This is something I’ve been thinking about ever since I read this amazing article by the husband of a woman who was raped and murdered on her way home from the pub in Melbourne in 2012 (if you read one thing in this newsletter, make it this because he explains what I’m trying to say so much better than I can.) Here is a quote from it:
As far as I’m concerned violence against women and girls should be a huge priority for governments all over the world. Instead of sharing tips for women to avoid being harmed, the focus must shift towards how we can stop so many men being violent and abusive. A huge culture shift is needed. And while we may never reach the utopia of feeling completely safe all the time, so much more could be done to tackle the root causes of male violence and misogyny.
I have just realised that I ended up having quite a lot to say (and really this is the tip of the iceberg). As you can probably tell, the news – and the way the topic of women’s safety has been mishandled by the police and government – has made me rage and despair. And the total disregard for single women or those who live alone just added salt to the wound of all the terrible victim blaming I saw.
I want to end by sending my love to everyone in this community who has felt a little more vulnerable these past few weeks and particularly to those who have struggled with the news due to past trauma. I see you.
Have a good week,
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
The Single Supp is TWO!
It was my birthday on Monday. This means The Single Supplement is two! I never would have believed two years ago that so many of you would be joining me to explore the ins and outs of the single experience – and that there would be so much to say on the subject, but here we are. I’m so grateful for each and everyone of you. I’m particularly thankful at the moment that you’re all bearing with me as the newsletter comes out at different times and days. It’s always on my mind but because I’m working on something big at the moment, it’s quite hard to get it out consistently but this won’t last forever and hopefully the final result will make it all worthwhile.
I have lots of ideas at the moment for how I can improve things when I’m back on a more stable footing with my schedule and I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas. I would also love to get to know you all better. I’ll be launching my annual Single Supp survey soon in order to help me do that. Just gathering the prizes for it at the moment (to that end, if you are a reader who has a product-based business that you think readers of this newsletter would like, please get in touch). I am also coming up with some event ideas. I would love to do an in person meet up but am also aware that people are all over the place so may have to do two or a hybrid version. Watch this space.
What made me think
‘I just wanted to write something funny for my friends’: Torrey Peters on Detransition, Baby
I wanted to share this brilliant interview because this paragraph really drove home how much cis women and trans women have in common, which just goes to show we really should be on the same side! The article says: “Trans women, she says, can find jobs, have sex and, increasingly, be creatively expressive on their own terms, but a family unit, and motherhood specifically, often remain out of reach. In the book, this is one iteration of “the Sex and the City problem”. All women face it in their own way, Peters says, and collectively they create different responses to it generation after generation … In the show, the desire for motherhood is less discussed and less well-defined; even for cis women these days, it seems like the trickiest kind of fulfilment to attain. That is something Peters, and by extension her characters, can relate to.”
Things you should check out
Why Can’t Other Christians Understand I Am Happy Being Single? – This explores the stigma single people face in the Christian church, which is an experience mirrored in other religions as I’ve previously covered.
Caitlin Bebb - It’s Okay to be Single: Self-Love + Relationships (NEKKID Conversations podcast) – Thanks to the reader who recommended this one.
It Doesn’t Matter How Long It’s Been Since You’ve Had Sex – Thank you, Shani!
Natasha Lunn: Love Is Protecting Each Other’s Solitude (Alonement podcast) – Natasha was a guest on Francesca Specter’s podcast and it was a lovely chat to listen to.
Your Status as a Single Person Is a Diversity Issue – Interesting from Bella DePaulo on how single people often aren’t treated fairly in workplaces. (The article is using the broadest definition of the word diversity here, FYI.)
3 things that make looking for love suck – Lots of wisdom in this by Tiffany Philippou.
Universal credit: Single mother moved son into her room to save on heating amid uplift cut and gas bill rise – this is infuriating.
Men Are Now More Likely to Be Single Than Women. It's Not a Good Sign – I don’t even know where to begin with this. There are some interesting facts and figures but the way it frames being single as a terrible problem really grates on me. This line also made me rage: “He speculates that women may be going to college in greater numbers because it helps them attract a partner.” WTF!
Why are so many single women trying love coaching? – I also have many thoughts on this. Will be revisiting!
Who Is the Bad Art Friend? – Nothing to do with being single but I found this total mess of a situation endlessly fascinating. It’s a long read, so grab a cuppa.
Words I love
I couldn’t take any more heartache. I couldn’t have one more person I loved leave me. So, brick by brick, I built up an emotional wall to protect myself from any more pain. It was a real corker, with barbed wire on every inch, yet adorned with disco balls to convince people that I was completely fine. The wall stopped me from ever succumbing to a relationship and also made the chances of becoming a mother look increasingly remote – however much I longed for it to happen.
- Liv Thorne whose book Liv’s Alone, which is about her journey to solo motherhood, is out now.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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It feels a bit strange to write this comment under a newsletter on such a heavy topic, but still: Happy belated birthday! Based on the Instagram post it looks like you had a great day!