The anxiety comes in waves (Q&A with Tiffany Philippou)
As you read this newsletter I will be frantically finishing packing up my entire flat, which if you saw my Instagram stories this week you will know I decided to do just the other day. I do not recommend packing up your entire life in the middle of the pandemic but I know a few of you are in the same boat. Solidarity!
Anyway, the situation has meant today is the first Q&A with another single woman. I have been meaning to do it for a while and I’m so excited that my friend Tiffany Philippou kindly agreed to be the first one.
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
Q&A with Tiffany Philippou
Tell me a bit about yourself
I’m Tiffany Philippou and I’m a writer and the co-host of a podcast called Is This Working? I’m 31 and I live in Holloway (north London) with my flatmate, Lara.
How long have you been single?
Eight months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend who I’d been with for one year.
I’ve spent five out of the last six years single. I feel like I’ve been single for the years that everyone else in my life was meeting their spouses. It’s been very lonely at times.
How is being single for you (do you love or hate it?)
I both love and I hate it and how I feel about it changes all the time.
I love my life and I have so much appreciation for it. I am so much happier single than when I’ve been unhappy in a relationship and that’s something I constantly need to remind myself because it’s easy to forget.
I actually really enjoy the day to day of being single too. I can do what I want, see who I want, eat what I want and I have no obligations and I don’t have to deal with anyone else’s stress. I also feel very empowered that I chose to walk away from a relationship with the whole packaged life (house, kids etc.) on offer because I want more for myself and I’m prepared to wait for the relationship I deserve. I, like all the other single people out there who refuse to settle, remain so optimistic about finding love.
Saying that, I do feel like there’s something missing from my life and sometimes I crave it so badly it aches. It’s so hard not to look at others and to not feel like they have something that I don’t. I miss the human touch the most. I get a lot of emotional fulfilment from my closest friends, but even though my best friend and podcast host, Anna Codrea-Rado and I are always talking to each other and I’m so fulfilled by our relationship, I can’t exactly ask her to spoon me every night. At least I don’t think so...
I want a loving relationship so badly, so that means I try dating to find it, but dating is so brutal. I experience extreme highs and lows. I feel like I’m in a boxing ring and I get knocked down and I have to get back up again, more bruised than before and take another hit. I think couples often don’t realise how hard that is and how it gets harder the older you get and the more you do it.
How are you doing this week given the global crisis?
Our worlds have been shaken and we’re suffering en masse. It’s awful. Who isn’t struggling right now? How I’m feeling now reminds me of when my boyfriend died when I was twenty and when I was fired from my job at 27. Suddenly, everything in my life as I understood it was shaken to the core and I had to start all over again. I’m grieving for my former life and I miss it so.
The anxiety comes in waves. I’ve had moments this week where it’s been intolerable. But then I’ve had moments of pure joy and appreciation and I’ve treasured those too. I think this is the worst part and I’m not even thinking about when it’s all over. I’m thinking about when we all readjust and we’re living in ‘the new normal’.
I also know from my past experiences that out of the worst times in our lives come the greatest moments of growth and even though we’re having to make huge sacrifices and it’s really uncomfortable, I have hope that we’ll emerge stronger. In the grand scheme of things, this time period is going to be a small blip in our whole lives. The time will come when we’ll look back on this time and say; ‘omg remember that bonkers time we were all indoors.’
How have you been coping?
I’ve been taking one day at a time. It’s the only way I can cope. Sometimes, when I’m feeling really anxious, I take it one hour at a time and I only focus on the next task at hand, whether that’s eating lunch, calling a friend or going for a run.
I’ve accepted that I can’t concentrate much. This is a time for survival, not productivity. My priority is my mental health and wellbeing and I try to get outside for a run once a day. Also when I’m anxious, I tend to withdraw, so I try to be self-aware about that and make myself reach out to people, as that always helps too. I’m a social healer.
You are freelance and work from home. Any advice for those finding the new regime difficult?
The circumstances we’re in aren’t normal. Even though I’ve always worked from home, I’m finding it more of a struggle than ever. So, be patient and lean into the fact that we’re all in an adjustment period.
Don’t worry about starting new projects or achieving anything at all really. Celebrate the small wins that happen in a day. When chaos is happening around you, I find it helpful to establish some sort of routine and order, so I have set some structures around my day and I’ve kept my expectations low for what I can do work-wise. It’s very hard to create when you’re feeling anxious and so it’s important to accept that and go easy on yourself. Things will pick up again shortly for everyone.
I think single or not this situation presents different challenges. I often feel relieved that I’m not cooped up with a partner with our anxieties rubbing against each other all day. But being single can be lonely in normal life, nevermind now. I’m finding that everyone is online now and wanting to connect more than ever, so don’t be shy about reaching out. I often hesitate to make the first move as I’m afraid everyone is busier than me. But actually, right now, no one is busy, everyone is available and people want to hear from you. It just has to happen online for a little while.
Tiffany and her podcast co-host are doing an Instagram live at 6pm on Sunday evening to answer any work worries you may be having. They are also releasing a new episode of Is This Working? on Monday morning where they’ll be discussing all these issues. Follow Tiffany on Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to her newsletter, which is great, here.
What caught my attention
It's Totally Normal To Feel Weird, Anxious Or Scared Right Now. We're In A Period Of Grief
I’m sharing this one because I have really struggled at points this week. Tuesday was a particularly low point. This article by my lovely former colleague Natasha Hinde explains why this is totally normal.
Don't despair about being single while social distancing. Here's why.
I love this article because it feels like an answer to my Refinery29 article (link is in the lowdown below). I had actually planned to start dating again and now all of a sudden I can’t (a part of me is quite relieved!) but I met my first serious boyfriend over MSN messenger so who knows maybe this is a great time to really make a connection?
Coronavirus: As A Solo Parent During A Pandemic, My Back-Up Plans Have Been Shaken
Yesterday was Single Parents Day and today is Mother’s Day and we are in the middle of a crisis so I just want to do a HUGE shout out to single parents like Genevieve Roberts, many of whom can no longer lean on the people such as grandparents who usually help during times of strife. Sending so much love to you if you’re in this position.
The lowdown
I wrote an article for Refinery29 about how the coronavirus crisis has made me feel more single than ever. I’ve been blown away by the response. Thank you so much to everyone who messaged me. I’m so glad it resonated.
The article mentioned the Facebook community group I set up and I know I bang on about it a lot but it has really come into its own this week. I’ve welled up a few times this week seeing people be so supportive and lovely to each other.
In non-coronavirus news and to mark Mother’s Day, which is today, I wrote a feature about what it’s like to be single and wanting to be a mum. My aim was to tell women’s stories before they took any steps (e.g. sperm donor route) and I hope I did them justice. All three are subscribers and I’m so grateful to them for being so open and brave. Mel from the Stork and I is also a subscriber and she is doing great things for single mums including hangouts on zoom.
I’m sending you all my love and a massive virtual hug. Send me an email if you want or join the Facebook group if you need to vent. You’re not alone. Xx
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in London, UK. I don’t get paid to do this newsletter (maybe one day I will), but if you enjoyed it and would like to buy me a coffee, you can.
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My soulmate ❤️