Is 35 the very worst age to be single?
I interviewed Genevieve Roberts this week. She’s a journalist and the author of Going Solo, a book about her journey to being a mother on her own. It was a brilliant conversation and at points during our chat, the hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end because so many things she was saying were so spot-on for how I’m feeling.
One thing that struck me was a part of the conversation where we talked about age. I have long had on my list of newsletter ideas that I should do one about why your mid-thirties is the very worst time to be single, especially if you have been single for a long time. I know I have older readers over 50, and one or two have even emailed to complain that the newsletter is aimed at women much younger than them so I’m sure some of them won’t agree with this statement. And by the way I definitely would love to cover the experiences of older women (and have written this article on the subject) but as I am 35, I can only really talk of my own experiences. As I do more interviews, I hope to be able to share a wider variety of perspectives.
The reason I feel like this is the worst age to be single is because it happens to coincide with everyone you know getting engaged, getting promotions at work, getting married, buying houses, having babies and suddenly getting into gardening and sharing pictures of their vacuum cleaners. In short, everyone seems to be getting their shit together. If you’re not hitting those key life milestones that everyone seems to think are so important it can leave you feeling like you have really screwed up. On top of all that, it has been drilled into you by repeated scary newspaper headlines that your fertility will drop off a cliff at 35 (BTW I recommend reading Vagina: A Re-education by Lynn Enright on that topic, and more) and, if you have always wanted to be a mum, at the back of your mind during every single decision you make is the question – how will this impact my chances of being a mother?
I should add that for some who are less sure, the question will be ‘Do I want to have children or not?” That is not to say that being in your mid-thirties doesn’t suck for those who never want children, as they will still be feeling that outside pressure and getting all those comments about how they will change their mind etc. Plus they will still have all those other things going on.
These years are what journalist Nell Frizzell calls the panic years, and I fully believe the feelings of fear and panic have only increased since the pandemic took over our lives, which is something Nell has written an article about this which I have shared before. Her definition of them is: “The panic years can hit at any time but they are most commonly triggered somewhere between the ages of twenty-five and forty. During this time, every decision a woman makes – from postcode to partner, friends to family, work to weekends – will be impacted by the urgency of the one decision with a deadline, the one decision that is impossible to take back: whether or not to have a baby.”
The brilliant conversation I had with Genevieve really validated the way I feel and about my theory but she did say it will suddenly start to get better and the external pressure you feel to have a certain life will ease off and that it will coincide with your Facebook feeds suddenly not being filled with engagement announcements and yours summers not being booked up with hen dos and weddings.
She said: “I feel like the pressure really goes when you hit your 40s. It really starts in your early 30s and then peaks at around 35. I used to spend my summers going from wedding to wedding to wedding and it was lovely but now I don’t. Of my friends, either they’re together and decided not to marry, or have already married, or – sadly – a few have split up from their partners (I did this a decade ago myself).
“But I feel like there is this whole thing in your 30s where this is this very very intense pressure and then it just releases. During that time, I ended up so focused on what I was doing and I was having children and by the time I came out of my first pregnancy, the pressure has gone really.
“I also think as people get older as well, they really appreciate that goals in that linear way are quite constraining and there is more to life and that people are going to make different choices and that those are as valid and that there are so many ways to have a fulfilling life. And also that rushing and racing to do it, isn’t always the best way either.”
Anyway I hope Genevieve’s perspective gives some of you the same kind of hope it gave me. I always remind myself in any situation that nothing is permanent and it’s good to hear proof of this when it comes to being a woman on her own feeling all kinds of external – but also internal – pressures about where she should be in her life. Right now it feels so intense that I can’t imagine it disappearing but of course, it makes total sense that it soon will.
[edit: I should have added that, of course, you can be unhappy or happy about being single at any age, but it’s the external pressure that will morph and change and that, perhaps, can make you more accepting of your own situation if you are unhappy. I am also sure I will read this newsletter back in a few years time and roll my eyes at my naivety as I’m sure some older readers will be doing right now!]
All being well, I’ll be sending the full interview out to subscribers this evening. If you would like to read the whole thing, you can subscribe for just £1 a week.
Stay safe,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
What caught my attention
Why Should Single Women “Settle Down”?
This article by the lovely Shani Silver fits in really well with that I have written above. Although I think my idea of “settling down” is a bit broader (and I’ve written about it before), I totally get wat Shani is saying. Loved this bit: “If you’re a single woman (particularly in your 30s but maybe also any age?) there’s a sense that the world is waiting for you to finish. Like they’re all peering into the oven on The Great British Bake Off, wondering when the toothpick is going to come out clean. And while it’s fine if those who love us want love for us, what’s not fine is living life well into adulthood receiving message after message that you’re not there yet.”
Alonement podcast with Poorna Bell
I’m really late to the party with this one. I have listened to a lot less podcasts since moving in with my parents so I have loads to catch up on. I loved this interview with Poorna Bell because she has a really similar philosophy to me when it comes to being single. She says: “Being single is viewed as a default status and that there are some overwhelmingly negative connotations which are that you are sitting there on a shelf waiting for someone to come and validate your life. And there is a lot of validation to be had in being single and there is a lot of validation to be had in actively choosing to be alone.”
Portraits of Single Moms By Choice
I absolutely love this photo essay in the New York Times and have been waiting to recommend it. It obviously fits in perfectly with this month’s interviewee. I personally found it really empowering. The photojournalist Jackie Molloy, who followed these women, says: “These four women are creating a life that they want. They decided to not wait for a partner to make a family. Even though they are “single,” the project doesn’t focus on being alone. For each woman, the road to becoming a mother was challenging and complicated, but the results were transformative and joyful.”
The lowdown
The news this week has been awful and I can’t stop thinking of what happened to George Floyd in the US. To my black readers, I am sending you all my love and standing with you in solidarity. For those of you who are white like me and would like to educate yourselves on racism, I recommend the book Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race by Reni Eddo-Lodge and reading this thread by Mireille Harper on things that you can do.
I’ve had another really full-on week and spent a lot of time on Zoom this week that I am going to have another week off Instagram Live and also I am not sure I’ll be able to do the Zoom hang out due to a clash. I’ll post on the Facebook group if I am able to do it.
I’ve begun reading Jog On by Bella Mackie and although I’ve never had anxiety has bad as her, I already relate to that feeling after a break-up where you’re wondering who the hell you actually are and how you’ll survive. Hope those of you reading with me are enjoying it. Hit reply and let me know your thoughts! If you haven’t picked it up yet, here’s what a reader of The Single Supplement had to say!
Support The Single Supplement
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About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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