Dear Nicola, I'm a single mum but my brothers still expect me to solely care for my elderly parents
Republishing an oldie but a goodie
Today’s newsletter is a little different from the last few. My baby is poorly so I have had my hands full and my brain capacity is slightly diminished by the sleep deprivation. But the timing has worked out well as I wanted to re-share one of my agony aunt columns, which are special editions of this newsletter that only go out to paying subscribers, to give those who aren’t subscribed an idea of what they are like.
It’s also nice to republish this one in particular as I commissioned its writer – the lovely Lorna Harris – especially to reply to the letter. I know it’s something many readers of this newsletter either are currently experiencing or are worrying about facing in the future. I also think the person writing in raises such an interesting point about gender roles and how even with a feminist mother, she and her siblings still slipped into the stereotypes. I hope you find Lorna’s response comforting.
I’m going to turn back on the option to become a paying subscriber later in the week. There will still be free newsletters for those who don’t wish to sign up but running The Single Supplement takes a lot of time and effort and as a freelance writer, I’m passionate that creatives should be paid for their work. I’ll explain more about what’s on offer at the weekend.
Have a good week,
Nicola
Pre-order my book Single here | Follow me on Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
Dear Nicola,
My question is whether you think that the gender imbalance between girls and boys in childhood just carries on into adulthood? Or whether I’m alone in feeling this way.
What I mean by this is that when I was a child, I had to iron my dads’ works shirts, clean the bathroom and dust the bookcase every week to earn my pocket money, whereas other than keeping his own room tidy which he never fully achieved, my brothers were only given little easy chores. Now as adults, I am a single parent of 18years, I work full time and have been the primary carer for both my parents. Neither of my brothers does anything to help because of their work/life schedule! This makes me so mad. It’s taken as a default that as I have no ‘grown up’ partner, I’m ‘spare’ and simply here to serve. I have done everything for both parents and it has pretty much bankrupted me, and cost my own life balance dearly – and that of my children.
What irks me the most is the absolute acceptance by everyone. I cannot process how this happened on my mother’s watch; my mother, an adamant feminist and women’s rights campaigner, full time teacher and mother has allowed this divide to continue so it is eye-rolled, sighed at, then shrugged off. And actually it’s not ok.
What do you think?
Not here to serve
Dear Not Here To Serve,
Thanks so much for writing in. You raise such an important topic. Apologies for taking so long to respond. I’ve been trying to write a response for ages but struggling as my own parents haven’t yet needed any care and I have a sister rather than brothers. It suddenly occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that actually I should commission a writer who is far more experienced to answer you on my behalf so I scrapped my attempt and asked someone far more qualified.
I’m lucky that Lorna Harris agreed. Her response is below.
Sending lots of love,
Nicola
Dear Not Here to Serve
Thank you so much for writing in. I am so sorry to read about how difficult things feel right now.
Gender imbalance is such a provocative issue. I am sure, in same-sex siblings, there is often one that does more than the other. But I do feel, as a woman, that many of us have this inbuilt sense of duty that we often don’t realise is held deep within us.
I know, through personal experience, the physical and mental toll being a carer brings. It’s absolutely knackering. I am also the younger, single, only sister of two older brothers, and in late 2018, we lost our mum suddenly.
I somehow, definitely through love, but also maybe through an external expectation, became a carer for my already very unwell dad, who sadly died just seven months after mum. My life was put on hold. I left my lovely flat and moved in with my dad - ready to serve.
I sense your frustration and feel very passionately about some of the things you are saying. Your words made me think back to my younger days. I remember my mum getting up in the mornings to iron my brothers and my dads shirts. Did she iron my clothes? I wondered. I can't actually remember. What I do remember is that when mum died, I felt like I stepped in where she had stepped out. I just started looking after my dad - and yep, It felt assumed.
People would ask 'are the boys helping?' - HELPING. When I said yes they were as much as their lives allowed, I would hear a ‘oh, aren’t they good?’ - I doubt very much anyone asked them if their sister was ‘helping.’
You sound like an exceptional person, bringing up your family and being there for your folks. I do however feel first and foremost, that you do need to show yourself some self-compassion, The emotional and physical burden of being the one it all falls to can be exhausting and I wonder if you have actually had time to stop and look at all you have achieved?
Have you told your brothers how hard you are finding it? I remember being so burnt out I broke down crying to my brother, who said he felt like I wouldn't let him do anything, that I was so 'in charge' and 'circling around dad' that nobody felt they could help. He referenced me being single and I said to him 'I could have three kids, and the man of my dreams could swing in on a vine, and it would still fall to me' - but I can now see I was being a bit of a control freak, feeling angry about all the heavy lifting, but not letting anyone else do any.
I do wonder if you have been truly honest about it all? Or if you are slowly becoming a tightly wound coil that is now unravelling?. Think about how it can all stop falling to you? Would your parents qualify for some help? Are there voluntary organisations who may be able to offer you some respite?
It may be that expectations from society may not change, but the expectations you put on yourself can. You are no longer on your mother’s ‘watch’ as you say, this is your watch. Change has to happen from within. Are there things you could ask others to help with? If you are expecting someone to come in and save you, it's unlikely, but if you yourself can speak up, and share the load, even expressing that the assumption you will just do it is having on you, I think it may help you feel a little lighter.
I read a great book recently. It’s by Dr Kristin Neff, and it’s called Fierce Self Compassion (available on Bookshop.org and Amazon etc). Its focus is for anyone identifying as a woman to claim the strength that comes from caring for ourselves. Like I said, changing the ‘watch’ from the inside.
I also think speaking to Carers UK may help you if you’re in the UK. They would let you know if you qualify for any financial or practical support. If you’re not in the UK, here’s a list of similar organisations around the world.
I truly hope things get a little easier for you. Do let us know how you get on.
With empathy and respect,
Lorna
Twitter: @Lornamedia | Instagram: @Lornamedia
Lorna Harris is a charity sector PR working with some of UK’s leading charities. She is also a writer, working on her first book about grief, starting again and finding unexpected joy in her 40s. She sings in a choir, lives by the sea and has JUST become a sea swimmer after years of just 'looking at it'... She is happily single.
Related reading
This Is The Kingdom Of The Sick – Millennial Caregivers Substack
Mothercare: : On Obligation, Love, Death and Ambivalence by Lynne Tillman
‘You’re just ripped in half’: How the unpaid carer crisis is disproportionally affecting women
Hoping Your Kids Marry? They Will Probably Help You Less If They Do
Sons vs. Daughters: The Role of Gender in Caring for Aging Parents
Only children ‘more likely to care for ageing parents than those with siblings’
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About Nicola
Nicola Slawson is passionate about telling human stories – either other people's or her own – and is a freelance journalist, writer and public speaker based in Shropshire in the UK. The Single Supplement is an award-winning newsletter on Substack, especially for single people. Her debut book Single is out in February and available to pre-order now. Follow Nicola on Instagram.
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I strongly condmned the attitude of her brothers while escaping their duties to look afther their parents. Single mother must stop it forthwith unless her brothers realize their duties themselves.
Read/ watch Gabor Mate on this. Carers lives are shortened by this constant burden. The whole family / "village" should rally round and help but alas in many families one person is the sacrificial lamb.