Lucy Meggeson on letting go of motherhood and embracing a joyful life
Today’s newsletter is a guest piece from the lovely Lucy Meggeson whose podcast Thrive Solo I have been a guest on twice now! (It was formerly known as Spinsterhood Reimagined in case you missed the rebrand). Lucy launched her podcast for similar reasons that I launched this newsletter.
When she first invited me on, she wrote: “I feel that single, childfree, and I’m-totally-fine-with-it-thank-you-very-much women do not get enough airtime, and the stigma around the topic remains outdated and, quite frankly, wrong. I would like to change the narrative, or at least contribute my voice to the conversation, or rather lack thereof.”
She is now the author of Shiny Happy Singles, published by Bloomsbury, which is a joyful celebration of independent lives and which I’ve just started reading. Lucy is so positive, it’s infectious. I also think it’s the perfect companion book to my own book, especially if you are childfree. It’s also out in the US as Thrive Solo, published by Hay House.
I’m so pleased to share this beautiful, honest piece from Lucy about her journey to being happily childfree. Hers isn’t a black-and-white story – she didn’t always know she didn’t want children – and that complexity will, I think, resonate with many of you.
For a long time, she felt ambivalent but when she realised it likely would never happen, she experienced a quiet grief, one that’s rarely talked about, especially when the decision wasn’t entirely clear-cut. What I love about this piece is how gently Lucy holds space for that grief, while also showing that it didn’t define her. It’s a powerful reminder that fulfilment can come in many forms, even – or especially – in the spaces where we were once unsure.
Paying subscribers, look out for an exclusive mini Q&A with Lucy, which I’ll send out soon. If you haven’t signed up yet, you can do so now and you’ll get access to all the exclusive content from the archives.
Anyway without further ado, it’s over to Lucy.
Have a good week,
Nicola
Order my book Single here | Follow me on Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
Choosing peace: On letting go of motherhood and embracing a joyful life
By Lucy Meggeson
I always assumed I’d become a mother one day. Not in an urgent, racing-against-the-clock kind of way but more in a vague, floaty, “it’ll happen when it happens” kind of way. I always assumed that somewhere down the line, I’d settle down, have a couple of kids, and do the family thing. Because isn’t that what everybody does? Or at least what everybody’s expected to do?
There were moments where it could have happened. There were relationships that, on paper, might’ve led to children. But in my gut, I always knew: this isn’t it. And despite some lovely boyfriends in my twenties and thirties, I wasn’t willing to stay with any of them just to make motherhood happen. The pull of that particular desire simply wasn’t strong enough at the time. While my friends were being swept away by a tidal wave of broodiness, I felt… nothing. Like I’d missed the memo.
But then, somewhere around turning forty, something shifted. The quiet biological clock that had gently hummed in the background of my life suddenly cranked up the volume. The alarm went off. I found myself looking at mothers with babies in cafés and feeling something I hadn’t expected: longing. Yearning. Followed by sadness. Followed by grief.
There were a few years where I quietly mourned the children I would likely never have. I didn’t speak about it much, perhaps because I didn’t feel entitled to. I’d had choices, after all. But grief doesn’t need to be logical to be real. And so, I sat with it. I let it in. I let it happen.
But the thing is this: even during that time when I could have made motherhood happen, I still didn’t. And deep down, I think I knew why. Because something else was calling me. Because my soul, as woo-woo as this may sound, was here for a different purpose.
We don’t talk enough about this – the fact that you can grieve not having children and still feel wildly grateful for the life you have without them. These things aren’t mutually exclusive. We live in a world that loves a binary: you’re either thrilled to be childfree or utterly devastated to be childless. But what about the space in between? What about the women – like me – who felt the sadness, but didn’t want to stay there?
Because that’s a choice too. It’s incredibly easy – and completely understandable – to get stuck in that place of grief and unfairness. To wrap your identity around the label of ‘childless.’ To quietly live from a space of victimhood — the place that says, This thing I hoped for didn’t happen, so now life can never be quite as full.
But what I’ve come to believe is that we get to choose where we place our focus. We get to decide whether we want to stay in the story of what didn’t happen, or write a new story about what could.
For me, that story has been one of liberation. Peace and quiet. Mental space. Freedom. Spontaneity. Opportunity and possibility. Not to mention the immense relief that I don’t have to worry about what social media, smartphones, or the rising tide of youth anxiety are doing to my hypothetical teenager’s brain. And yes, I know parenting is also full of joy, but let’s not pretend it’s all finger painting and cuddles.
There is enormous purpose to be found in a life that isn’t built around children. In fact, I’d argue that every person – parent or not – needs a sense of meaning that extends beyond their offspring. I’ve seen too many women who feel completely unmoored when their kids leave home, because they made motherhood their entire identity. That’s a dangerous place to be.
Fulfilment can come from your work, your creativity, your community, your friendships, your growth. It can come from a morning walk by the sea. From writing a book. From helping others. From being deeply present in your own beautiful life. From finding the joy that is right in front of you right now, if you would only choose to see it.
I wasn’t ‘meant’ to be a mother. I see that now. And not because something went wrong, or because I missed my chance, or because I didn’t try hard enough. But because I was meant for something else. Something different. But no less meaningful. Something that is not second best or a consolation prize.
I look at my life now and I’m so incredibly grateful that I’ve been able to follow my passions, follow my dreams – not in spite of being childless, but largely because of it.
That is freedom. That is choice. And I’m privileged that, with each passing day, I’m becoming more of the fullest, most authentic expression of myself. And if I’d married and had kids? I’m not sure I would be able to say that.
Lucy Meggeson is a former BBC Radio 2 producer, host of the Thrive Solo podcast, and founder of a community for single, childfree women of the same name. Her first book, Shiny Happy Singles (Bloomsbury), is a joyful celebration of independent, childfree lives — also out in the US as Thrive Solo (Hay House).
You can also buy Lucy’s book from The Single Supplement’s bookshop powered by bookshop.org. Please note, I can a small commission if you buy through my bookshop.
Limited time offer on my book
If you’ve been meaning to grab a copy of Single: Living a Complete Life on Your Own Terms, now’s a great time – Amazon currently has it on offer for just £10.87 (down from £16.99) in the UK and for $15.12 if you are in the US. I’ve no idea how long the discount will last, so if you fancy reading (or gifting!) it, now’s your chance.
If you have already read the book and enjoyed it, I’d be so grateful if you could leave a review on Amazon (you don’t have to have bought the book from Amazon) or Goodreads. It really helps other people find the book and you’ll also make my day.
About Nicola
Nicola Slawson is passionate about telling human stories – either other people's or her own – and is a freelance journalist, writer and public speaker based in Shropshire in the UK. The Single Supplement is an award-winning newsletter on Substack, especially for single people. Her debut book Single is out now and available to buy in the UK, US and elsewhere. Follow Nicola on Instagram.
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