"Cause I'm my own soulmate, I know how to love me."
I’m single, I live alone and as a freelancer, I spend large portions of the week working from home by myself. That is an awful lot of alone. I can see why people would think I must get lonely or feel isolated but actually I love it.
I know living alone is not for everyone but to me it feels essential to my sanity. Most people who know me would see me as an extrovert because they know I love socialising, that I can strike up conversation with pretty much anyone and just generally thrive off being around friends and interesting people, but at home, I love nothing more than being completely and gloriously anti-social.
There is a weird misconception that it’s only introverted people who find being around people draining. Or maybe I’m an introverted extrovert. Or maybe the whole thing is total bollocks and everyone is a little bit of both Anyway, I am one of those people who just needs time on my own to recharge and reset, especially because my job is all about communication and is often full-on and stressful. I also need the time to daydream and ponder about things without someone insisting on interrupting me to have a conversation.
The other part of what makes living alone so good is the way my body clock works. I am a night owl, and although I was able to amuse myself quietly by reading a book or watching something with headphones in, it was always annoying to feel like I had to creep about because my flatmate had gone to bed at 9pm. I have always been this way. My sister would enthusiastically take herself to bed before her bedtime whereas I was the exact opposite and nothing could make me go to sleep at whatever time I was meant to.
In the morning, I hated leaving my bed and still do. It takes me a while to wake up and feel human. Living alone means I don’t have to sneak to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee in order to avoid talking to anyone before I’ve drunk it. Now I live alone, I can be as grumpy as I like for as long as I like in the morning. There are also the obvious joys of being able to do exactly what I like when I like. I don’t have to answer to anyone, I don’t have to compromise, I don’t have to explain where I’m going or why I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy for the 100th time.
I wasn’t planning to write about living alone today but then the Guardian went and did a big thing on weekend loneliness (more on that later) and I felt the time was right to discuss the highs and lows because of course, there are downsides.
I have to make sure I spend some of the week working with people and I’m also quite careful to look at my week ahead and notice if I haven’t got any plans with friends and then being proactive about organising something. It does help that I tend to be the organiser among my friends.
But there are of course times, when you get bad news or have had a terrible day at work and there is no-one there to commiserate or sympathise or give me a hug. I’ve had that feeling a few times in the last few weeks and it does sting. Sometimes when I’m comfy and engrossed in reading a book, I wish someone would interrupt me and offer to make me a cuppa. Or when the flat is a shit tip, I often wish there was someone else to blame for the mess (and share the burden of cleaning it up).
There’s also the times when I’ve been sick or injured and nobody has been there to look after me. A low point that stands out was when I fractured my ribs a few years ago and also had a chesty cough and cold. Trust me, sneezing with fractured ribs is not something you ever want to try. I also couldn’t lift anything to cook or do the washing up. In the end, just went back to my parents in Shrewsbury where I lay on the sofa like a kid and let them fuss over me.
I should say where I live is a slightly weird set-up in that it’s basically a granny flat inside my landlord’s house and there is another flat next to mine so if I do fancy a chat with someone, I can if I want. In fact, my landlord loves nothing more than me popping down to her flat for a cuppa and so she can try and force-feed me cake or biscuits. She also has loads of cats who don’t see the distinction between the different parts of the house and so they spend a lot of time in my flat.
Do you live alone? Or do you live with friends or your children?
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
What caught my attention
The agony of weekend loneliness: ‘I won't speak to another human until Monday’
This article absolutely broke my heart. It made me simultaneously feel seen and also deeply uncomfortable. I do often have plans at the weekends but I have also been in this situation before so can relate. Although I have to say my experience of Meet-up is not what has been expressed in this article. I’ve made some amazing friends through it so do recommend giving it a try. Anyway, this quote hit me quite hard: “It can happen really fast. All of a sudden, your group isn’t there any more. You are second-tier friendship, relegated to weeknights. You’re not in the couples’ dinner party or playdate scene. You start to lack confidence in connecting, so hesitate to suggest things. You assume you are not welcome at the weekend and withdraw … It becomes a toxic circle.”
The joys (and pains) of living alone
To counter that, here’s an uplifting article from last year on living alone. This paragraph sticks out: “There is also a knack to living alone that applies to us relative young ’uns too. At what point does that sweet, sweet independence tip over into isolation, and withdrawal? This sort of thing requires constant vigilance and renegotiation, and for people who aren’t strangers to mental health problems, the stakes can be high.”
Emma Winterschladen: Meet the mega matchmaker
Now for something completely different. This is an article from December that I have shamefully only just got around to reading. I met Emma at a freelancing course before Christmas and we immediately clicked (Don’t you love it when that happens?). Anyway, this article is quite a nice follow on from the HuffPost article I shared last week about ditching the dating apps. I love this line: “What if we reimagined modern dating so it’s not a solo sport but one where you have a team behind you?”
Heroine of the week
I know that I am ridiculously late to the party but as I said on Instagram, I’m more of a rock and punk kind of girl, so hadn’t listened to Lizzo much. I have finally given her my full attention and this has resulted in me listening to Soulmate about 47 times this week.
The lowdown
I’m excited to say I’m going to be on Shani Silver’s A Single Serving podcast soon! It’s a popular American podcast for single women that has similar goals to this newsletter. I don’t know when it will air but I’ll obviously be sharing with you guys as soon as it’s up. In the meantime, go check out the previous episodes.
This little newsletter got a mention in Mashable’s roundup of the best newsletters to help you lead a happier life in 2020 thanks to the lovely Rachel Thompson. Hello to the subscribers who found me through that!
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in London, UK. I don’t get paid to do this newsletter (maybe one day I will), but if you enjoyed it and would like to buy me a coffee, you can.
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