All I want for Christmas is not to be alone this New Year's Eve
There are two kinds of people in this world. The ones like those interviewed for this article who love being single at Christmas, and those who jump into short term relationships just to avoid being alone during the festive season, like the ones interviewed for this article about the cuffing season.
Actually there is the third, like me, who don't love it but don't hate it enough just to start something for the sake of it. To be honest, my problem isn't actually with Christmas. For me, the run-up to Christmas is all about friends and colleagues and the big day itself is all about family, so I don't really mind not having a partner as I'm usually so busy.
Occasionally I will think about how it's probably a bit weird that our Christmas day has not changed much since we were teens because my sister is also single so it will just be the four of us again. Meanwhile, my friends are spending Christmas day making new traditions with their own families, which can make me feel like I am still a kid who hasn’t grown up.
When it comes to New Year's Eve, I find a lump forming in my throat. It's not actually because I want someone to kiss at midnight*, it's that for most of my life I considered Christmas for family and New Year for friends. At some point, most of my friends coupled up and suddenly didn't want to spend their NYE nights with me anymore. One by one they opted for cosy nights in (why oh why would you do this when you can literally do that any other night of the year?), went to dinner parties where only couples were invited (yes this is a true story) or decided to celebrate with the friends they had made as a couple (fine, I guess).
Sorry if I'm sounding a little bitter about it. It's just nothing reminds me of how alone I really am than when New Year’s Eve is looming and I don’t have any plans at all. It is, after all, the one night of the year when everyone on the planet should be celebrating. The pressure is immense, especially if you are single because you’re meant to be the life and soul of the party all of the time.
I should point out that last year I was actually invited to a small party with some of my oldest friends. Even though it was all couples, I still had a great night dancing around the living room and singing badly to songs we loved when we were teens. The year before a friend took pity on me and invited me out with her gang of friends. Everyone was lovely but I was feeling anxious and shy and made my excuses to leave soon after midnight. This year, I currently have no plans although a good friend, who is also single, has suggested we do something so perhaps it will be great, and I should stop wallowing in self-pity.
Thanks to a Twitter DM I got from a reader, I do know I'm not alone in dreading it. The message said: "I personally find [NYE] the hardest time of year as a single woman. Last year (aged 29) I spent it with my 60-something parents because all my friends were busy having romantic evenings in/trips away with their partners. It's almost like it's become a sacred ritual for couples. Looking like this year will sadly be the same."
So, are we both right? Has it suddenly become a couple thing? Is it just because of our age or do people in their early twenties also choose to spend it being romantic with their partners? I would love to know everyone's thoughts on this.
Onto some exciting news – this is going to be the last newsletter of the year but I will be back bigger and better than ever as I am relaunching in 2020. I’ll have a fancy new logo, social media platforms, and due to popular demand, I am going weekly! Eek!
On a slightly soppy note, starting this newsletter and the brilliant reaction I have received has been one of the highlights of my year. I've received so many lovely emails, Twitter DMs and Instagram messages since launching in October and some of them have moved me to tears (this is actually not that hard as I cry all the time!). Huge thanks also to everyone who has bought me a coffee. I am so thrilled to know I'm not alone and to feel like I've finally found my people!
I hope everyone finds some joy over the festive period if you celebrate it. I'm sending all my love to you if you're finding it difficult.
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
* p.s that is not to say I wouldn’t mind a snog as the clock strikes midnight, of course!
What has caught my attention
Despite the title of this episode, it wasn't all about mental health. There was a lovely segment about being single in your 30s. The conversation was inspired by this beautifully written Vogue article that Bella wrote a couple of years ago. In it, she talks about how running helped her after her divorce. On the podcast, she said: "I felt like I was doing something independent and I think, for women, it's so important to do things that make you feel independent, whatever that is, you know, it could be physical, it could be something else. I think it's so important for us to find those things that make us feel so capable." I love that!
Break-up advice: "Why you should say congratulations, not sorry, after a break-up."
I loved reading this refreshing perspective from Tiffany Philippou on ending a relationship. I am so guilty of doing the head tilt and saying I'm sorry if someone tells me they have broken up with their partner even as I continue to shout about the benefits of being single. Tiffany is so right, however, that a break-up isn't always a bad thing, so why do we automatically treat it as such? Probably for the same reason people say patronising things to single people. She included some sound advice: "What I am asking is you respond, empathetically, and invite a proper conversation about my experience and feelings. Rather than making the presumption that all break-ups are bad. "I'm sorry" is what you say when someone has died. No-one has died, and if anything, I feel more alive than ever."
I'm Spending Christmas Alone, And I'm Just Fine With That
This one by Matt Bagwell goes out to anyone spending Christmas alone and sick of people being concerned about it. Even though I do love spending Christmas with my family, I must admit that this does sound pretty damn good. "When Christmas Day finally arrived, despite the initial trepidation, the overwhelming feeling I had when I woke up was a sense of total freedom – both from the ex and the fact that I had precisely no one to please other than myself," Matt wrote.
Other bits and bobs
I was a guest on a podcast for the first time! Listen to me talk about money, my love of Shrewsbury and my baked bean phobia on this episode of An Honest Account.
Shout out to the other guest on the show Tola Fisher who spoke about being single after divorce. She has also done a TEDx talk debunking the myth of success that I think some of you will appreciate.
I wrote about women’s health and whether medical science has a problem with women in this feature for The Guardian, which may interest some of you.
Single heroine of the fortnight
Frankly, Mary McCarthy is my single heroine of the year, but I'm including her in this edition specifically because Christmas and New Year seem to inspire engagements and there is bound to be at least one diamond ring in your social media feeds this festive season. To counter this, I highly recommend following her funny Instagram account @notengaged, where she shares pictures of her bare left hand with relatable captions about not being engaged when seemingly everyone else is.
About me
For those who don't know, I'm Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in London, UK. I don't get paid to do this newsletter (maybe one day I will), but if you enjoyed it and would like to buy me a coffee, you can.
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