Ah, look at all the lonely people
I know I am ridiculously late to the party, but I finally did the test to discover what my love language is last week. For those of who don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s a kind of personality test that helps you understand the ways you express love. I got physical touch, closely followed by quality time.
These are possibly the worst two to have during this global coronavirus pandemic when we all have to practice social distancing and think about isolating ourselves. It has become increasingly clear in the last week that we will soon go into lockdown in the UK. The whole situation has really sparked my anxiety and I’ve been fretting about the idea of being stuck alone in my flat by myself for who knows how long. Given how much I value physical touch and quality time, I know I am going to get lonely fast.
Yesterday was the baby shower of one of my best friends and her husband. It was touch and go whether it would go ahead and half of the guests pulled out. Aside from obviously wanting to celebrate the impending birth of the newest member of our squad, selfishly I was also desperate for it to happen because it felt like it could be the last time I have any kind of social interaction for a while. I wanted to see my friends and I wanted to be around people. I wanted that quality time.
The thing that was missing at first was obviously physical touch as we awkwardly waved at each other but by the end, we were tentatively leaning into each other and rubbing arms. I’m a very touchy-feely person and am also very sentimental and so a baby shower is the kind of event that makes me want to hug my friends and squeeze the mother-to-be. Coronavirus is taking that away from us (along with many other things).
This week has also reminded me of a paragraph in No One Tells You This by Glynnis Macnicol, which was February’s book club book. There have been moments this week when I have noticed the husband-shaped hole in my life. As I have said in previous newsletters, I usually only hate being single on New Year’s Eve and during a crisis so it was bound to crop up during these weird times we are living in.
Glynnis sums that feeling up so well as she describes how she felt during a family crisis. She wrote: “When I looked around, all I could see was a husband-shaped hole It was outlined by the dishes I’d left in the sink; the bottle of wine I’d forgotten to buy; the food I found growing moldy in the fridge; and the notice from my landlord that my rent would be past due if not paid in twenty-four hours: all reminders that there was no one else to pick up the slack - even temporarily.
“After all of the caretaking I had done, I was overcome with a bone-shaking desire to simply to have someone ask me if I was okay, to touch me. Just to say “I’ve got this.” This is why people get married, I thought, surveying my little square in the city. To hell with romance, and men who ran across rooms to speak to you or sent you a hundred text messages a day. Fuck flowers. None of that really mattered. You got married so that you wouldn’t be in the trenches alone, so there was someone else to take the wheel from time to time. So that you wouldn’t have to ask for help, it would just be there.”
I don’t know whether others relate to that in this moment. It was just one of the many parts of this book that I found myself nodding along to. It was interesting to read how Glynnis reconciled this feeling with her situation and realised the love and support she did have in her life when she goes to her friend’s for Thanksgiving. Reading this book made me assess my own life and I do recommend picking it up if you haven’t had a chance yet.
As for coronavirus and the worry about social isolation, I was reminded of something I said in a previous newsletter about accepting your circumstances in the moment can really help if you are wishing things were different. If you are feeling worried, I have put together this list of articles, podcasts and links to Facebook groups that may come in handy in the coming weeks.
How to fight loneliness during coronavirus social distancing
This is a lovely article by Mashable’s Rachel Thompson and it has loads of ideas and resources for staving off loneliness. It also has loads of podcast recommendations and I haven’t listened to a single one of those on the list so I was very happy to see it as I love podcasts!
Is This Working? BONUS: Out of Office
If you are working from home for the first time, this podcast episode from the Is This Working team will guide you through how to go about it. It also includes tips on fighting loneliness but also explores what you should wear, where you should sit and even how many breakfasts to have (two, apparently!)
This Postcard Is A Simple Way To Help Those Self-Isolating Amid Coronavirus
This HuffPost article from Becky Barnes is about a woman in Cornwall who has created a postcard (see above) that can be downloaded and put through neighbour’s doors as a way of finding out if they need anything from the shop or a chat on the phone. If you are feeling anxious, I can highly recommend doing something helpful for someone else. It really does make you feel better.
How to eat well through a lockdown
Some of the things suggested sound vile (savoury porridge made with beef stock, anyone?) but this is a handy article with suggestions on how to jazz up the food in your stockpile for the inevitable lockdown.
The Single Supplement community
What we need more than anything right now is community and so I would love you to join the Facebook group for this newsletter. If you do, please remember to introduce yourself. Don’t be shy, everyone is very nice and supportive. Please also consider sharing a link to the group on social media. There may be followers of yours who could use some support right now. Thanks.
Anti-viral work for freelancers and small businesses
Another lovely group has cropped up in response to the outbreak and the impact it is having on the self-employed. There are plans for campaigns and other activities but it’s also a good place to ask questions and/or vent if you do work for yourself.
I hope this bumper issue of the Supp is helpful.
Have a lovely week and stay in touch,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
What caught my attention
This was an interesting take by fellow freelancer Lucy Handley. I don’t personally feel this way with my friends to be honest but the article did make me question whether I did any of things mentioned. Although I do enjoy entertaining my friends with stories, only a small portion of them actually involve that fact I’m single I would say but for some of you, this article might really resonate.
What It’s Like to Be a Leftover Woman
I shared the clip of this documentary about single women in China before but here is a good long read on the subject. The article says the Chinese government encourages citizens to see unmarried women as unhappy and unfulfilled. But that wasn’t how one of the single women the documentary followed felt and I think a lot of us will relate. She said: “The so-called leftover women are mostly those with higher education who have a good income. They don’t follow the social order. So society has to fight them. To make them surrender.”
Alain de Botton: alonement S1 - Ep01
A new podcast has launched called Alonement. I have mentioned it before as I shared an article by the podcast’s host Francesca Specter. The podcast explores the joys of being alone which is nice and timely given the current situation. It reminded me that although I do already spend a lot of time alone, I often fill that space and silence with Netflix binge-watching, numerous Whatsapp conversations and scrolling endlessly social media. Tonight I am going to set an alarm to get on my yoga mat and meditate.
Book club
The next book I have chosen is fiction. It’s Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo. The book won the Booker prize last year and has just come out in paperback so is a bit cheaper. I have had the book for a few months but haven’t read it yet. Don’t forget to join the Facebook group to discuss. You have until Easter Sunday (12th April) to buy or borrow and read it. Happy reading!
The lowdown
Look out for an article by me in Refinery29. I have written for them about being single and living alone during this crisis.
If you have any thoughts about dating / finding love during the coronavirus pandemic, do drop me an email hello@nicolaslawson.co.uk. Particularly if you have found being on dating apps / websites has been a positive experience this week e.g. because you have enjoyed chatting with people even though you can’t meet up. Need to hear from you by Monday evening.
HUGE thanks to everyone who messaged or emailed me after last week’s newsletter. It had by far the biggest response and I’m so grateful. I still have a few people to reply to and will be doing that today. Thanks again for your support. It means so much to me.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in London, UK. I don’t get paid to do this newsletter (maybe one day I will), but if you enjoyed it and would like to buy me a coffee, you can.
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