Single, Black, Female (by Tola Fisher)
Single, Black, Female (by Tola Fisher)
I’m really excited to say that for the first time I have commissioned a guest writer to write this week’s column. It’s been one of my biggest goals since launching the newsletter because I want to be able to share a broader range of perspectives about the single experience than just my own. I wasn’t sure when I would start doing it but the combination of recently launching the paid-for version of this newsletter (which means I have a small budget) and the awful news coming out of the US which has sparked a wave of anger and activism across the world, meant I knew this was the moment.
Some of you will recognise Tola Doll Fisher as she was recently one of my guests on my Instagram Live Q&A series. Sadly Instagram only just started letting me save the chats to IGTV so it has been lost but I’m so glad Tola wanted to write for The Supp today! We first met when we were both guests on the podcast An Honest Account, which you can listen to here.
Anyway, I shall pass the mic to Tola now.
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
Single, Black, Female by Tola Fisher
Single, Black, Female. Now in my 30s, these three words are guaranteed to elicit sympathetic looks at best and a figurative and literal swipe left at worst. Did you know that in 2014, dating website OkCupid ran a study that revealed black women received the fewest messages of all its users? Even if you are happily single and not looking to be in a relationship, there’s something deeply unsettling about knowing that the majority of people in the dating pool would never even consider you.
The #BlackLivesMatter civil rights movement (rightly) rose to the top of the world agenda this week and I found all my insecurities amplified. If, like me, you have been battling loneliness and isolation during this lockdown period, your mental health may be already fraught. If you are single and black, this week may have pushed you over the edge. As I tried and failed to avoid the gut-wrenching video footage of black men and women being ill-treated (AKA raped, battered and destroyed) I broke down. I was born in the UK to Nigerian expats, had a good education and have good friends but this week I was reminded of memories I had pushed down. Being called a “black b*tch”, my sister being bullied for her beautiful full lips and the more subtle racism from modelling agencies: ‘We don’t really get asked for black models’ or ‘We’ve already filled our quota for black girls’. A quota usually of one.
Other things began to cross my mind. Rejections from jobs I knew I was qualified for before I even got to interview. Was it my Nigerian name that had me passed over for someone else? The time I was hassled at the border at JFK airport in the US. I told my (white) friend about it in passing, mainly to relay the annoyance, but she told me this week that she has never forgotten it. In her mind, the reasons they gave were disproportionate to the way I was treated. In mine, it was simply par for the course.
If you’re a non-black person reading this, I say this not for you to feel sorry for me, for us. But to explain that these are the things we will deal with on a regular basis. Since this is a publication for singles, let me take this back to dating for a moment. Have you ever worried that in a blind dating experiment, the curtains might be pulled back and the person you are dating might be appalled by your appearance? I have. My ex-husband was my first white partner, and I was genuinely surprised that a white man could be attracted to me. The year I was obsessed with Love Island was like playing a constant game of hide and seek with my TV. I couldn’t bear to watch when the black girl was always, always picked last. The show that gave me the most feels this year was Love Is Blind, in which Lauren (black) and Cameron (white) met and fell in love before they had seen each other. I was ecstatic – and much relieved – that a positive representation of a black woman being loved had finally been shown on screen.
But one couple among around eight billion people in the world does not enough of an example make. I put the word “rightly” in brackets earlier, because I do think it is right that the lives of black people are at the top of world agendas where historically they have been lower than ground zero. But the onslaught of footage and historical evidence can be exhausting. So I’m trying to pause before I jump into conversations on social media or forward messages I’m tagged into on WhatsApp. It’s OK if you just want to sit and cry or, as I did earlier this week, turn off social media and play on a tree for a few hours.
But someone said to me recently: “This is our time.” So when you’re ready, lift yourself up, knowing that for the first time in generations of history, your struggles as Single, Black, Women have been recognised and it’s time to step into a new future for all of us.
Tola Doll Fisher is a writer and speaker. She delivered a TEDx Talk on “The Myth of Success” in 2019 and her first book Still Standing - 100 Lessons from an “unsuccessful” life is published this June and available on pre-order now. In a recent jewellery collaboration, Tola has designed a limited edition ‘Still Standing’ bangle, now available at Florence London.
Huge thanks to Tola for writing so powerfully for this newsletter. Please do go and pre-order her book, which is out on 18 June. I have and can’t wait to read it. I have recently learned just how important pre-orders are to authors and publishers so do order it today if you can! It will also be a future book for The Boob Club book club.
What caught my attention
Woke Men Only: I’m refusing to become a shit friend after getting cuffed
This gal-dem article hit me right in the feels. Aside from the depressing statistic that those entering romantic relationships lose on average two close friends, I found what writer Kimberly McIntosh says really powerful because this is exactly what I worry about. “We have endless tales of what we gain from romantic love. We have movies and sitcoms and sonnets that tell us of the whirlwind before the calm that follows the only cliff-hanger we’re told matters – the romantic ending. You’re nobody until somebody loves you, apparently. But when you carve out space in your life for someone else, what do you lose? What do you give up to fall in love? And do you have to?”
Please Stop Assuming I’m Miserable Because I Live Alone
This is a great fresh perspective by Patia Braithwaite on the frustration she feels by people who say to her that they can’t imagine being all by themselves and that she must be so lonely. She says: “So, yes, I’m living alone during this pandemic, and sometimes it’s overwhelming. But when someone decides how unbearable my life is for me, I’m compelled to defend it. Why? Because it’s complicated, beautiful, terrifying, courageous, and boring. Most of all, it’s mine.” Hat tip to Francesca Specter who recommended this in her own newsletter Alonement.
Hold Up: Are Single People Happy? (She Kept It TOO REAL!) | #SingleLife Pt.1
I have no idea how I stumbled across this totally random American YouTube video but it kind of perfectly encapsulates all the different debates that swirl around this newsletter and that I see happening on the Facebook group. The people in this video are debating whether you can be happy and single but are also discussing how much they want to find someone or whether that will make them happier or not. I do like when one of the guys is asked what he is missing in life and he says “a teammate” and then one of the women says she has team members at work and the only thing she is missing is sex. Haha. Anyway, this is a bit of a random recommendation but I enjoyed watching people discussing things I often think about.
Reader comment of the week
The lowdown
This week’s newsletter would not have been possible if it wasn’t for those who have chosen to financially support this newsletter. I really hope to be able to commission other writers as well as illustrators and you can help by subscribing for just £1 a week.
I wrote about my response to the conversations surrounding Black Lives Matter on the Facebook group that accompanies this newsletter. Unfortunately, it won’t let me link directly to it, but it’s the second announcement down here. Here’s a list of actions you can take from home if you are wondering where to start. I have also started listening to How To Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi and have ordered Me and White Supremacy by Layla F Saad. I’ve long considered myself an ally but I realised this week that I still have work to do and I’m committed to doing it.
The weekly hang out is back! Apologies for the hiatus. I just took way too much work on (the joys of being freelance and too scared to say no) and spent one too many evenings on Zoom. Here’s the Facebook link to the event. Or here’s the Zoom link (password: meeting ID: 831 0415 4561 and password: 144770)
I am hoping to do an Instagram Live on Sunday afternoon but unfortunately, I haven’t confirmed the guest before sending this. I will shout about it on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter if I manage to get it locked down.
I wrote a comment piece for The Independent this week about the furore around the “sex ban” proves that we are still obsessed with romantic relationships and how, actually, it’s the least of my worries.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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